Expulsion of Rock

“We don’t know how to say this,”- started the man in the center of the panel. Directing his words to Jordan, he continued – “you really are a talented guitarist, Mr. Jordan. We haven’t seen anyone today, playing it as well as you did. But there is something missing. You are so perfect that it looks mechanical and at times artificial.” As an afterthought, he paused to look at the fellow panelist. They posed a look that seems to approve of what he feels about Jordan’s work. Relieved, he said – “To put it bluntly, it lacks character.”

“But I played it according to the notes. What else do you expect!” Jordon voice strained, as words spurt out at the same rate as his increasing pulse rate. Sensing it, Jordan retracted to the back of the seat, surprised as to how & when he reached the edge. His right hand was still on the table, which he had slammed moments ago.

“I am sorry Sirs, but can you elaborate on that?” Jordan said, rephrasing his previous remark.

“Mr. Jordan, we are in search of someone who will add value to the opportunity that Trinity is giving. We want someone who will propel the music field to the next level. I am sorry; we are not able to see you in that path.”

--*---

As Jordan came out of the interview hall, he saw Kylie running towards him. She looked overtly happy. As she came near him, she slowed down, trying to control her excitement. But on seeing him smile at her, she lunged over him, only to be stopped by the cautious Jordan whose eyes were fixed on the professors, standing by.

Laughing at seeing her excitement, he said –“hold your horses; people are staring at us.”

“So what? I don’t care. I am the happiest girl in this world, thanks to my boyfriend and I want to share it with him.”

“Alright, go on; as long as I am part of this PDA” – he replied as he hugged her back. Releasing her from his arms, he quizzed - “Anyway, what is the good news?”

“Know what? I got it. I didn’t really think I was capable of getting it. They were like, asking me to play different styles and all, and I kept doing something quirky with the vibratos. Suddenly one of the panelists took out his violin & we jammed together. It was awesome, Jordon.” Taking a break to catch breath, she looked at his dreamy eyes and said – “I can’t wait for us to shift to London. We really are going to live our dream Jordan.”

But dreams don’t hurt as each word of hers did. London the city of his dream & Trinity the temple in his dream: 16 years of hard work down the drain. It was surprising though to see anger seething inside because of her. He closed his eyes trying to calm down, but couldn’t control the pain. Opening his eyes, he looked straight at her face and said – “I need to go now. Meet you in the apartment.”

--*---

The campus cafeteria was buzzing with activity, but Jordon chose to ignore the commotion & sat with his plate of sandwich. He took the knife in his right hand & fork in his left and systematically cut a piece. As he took the fork to his mouth he was hit on his back using a guitar; the fork apparently spiking his upper jaw. Jordon took his handkerchief and wiped the blood and saw to his dismay that Reo the guy who got selected by Trinity panelist was the culprit.

“Reo! Watch your space! I am bleeding here!” There wasn’t any response. In a fit of rage, Jordon walked towards him and yelled, ”Hey Reo I was calling you!”

Amidst laughter, Reo turned towards him and asked – “What? Why so?”

“You hit me Reo! Don’t you know manners at least to say sorry?”

In reply Reo said - “Sorry Jordon; I only know music” and burst into laughter.

--*---

It was darkness everywhere as Kylie entered the apartment. In another room, the tv was audible. It was talking about violence in the state university this afternoon. As her pupils dilated, she saw a figure sitting on floor, leaning to the front. She immediately reached for the lights only to find out that it was Jordon sitting in such an aberrant state. Relieved, she reached for the coach and sat there with her college backpack. As she started unpacking its content, she prodded - “I searched for you in the campus after you excused yourself. Why did you go away all of a sudden? That is unusual for you.”

“hmmm” – is all that came from Jordon. She looked up towards the place he was stationed. She couldn’t see his face as his lustrous hair had covered it completely.

“Jordon? I did learn about your interview. I really am sorry.” She waited for him to say something. But there wasn’t any sign. Puzzled, she took her backpack and went towards their bedroom. Once she was inside, a voice was heard – “so you are sorry – sorry for me.”

“Yah?”

“Sorry for me. Sorry for me? So you are sorry for me since I didn’t get it. You are sorry that I wasn’t able to get it right?”

“Yah, Jordan. Why are you asking it repeatedly?”

“You are sorry that someone as good as me couldn’t get it, while you got it. You feel sorry that even will all my talent I couldn’t pass the muster, but you did! Am ‘I right you bitch?” – Jordon shrieked as he faced her for the first time.

“What? What did you say just now? Fuck what is wrong with you?”

“Now you find problems with me!”

“Shit; what has gotten into you?”

“You are the one who can’t tolerate your boyfriend now!”

“Yes, Jordon, this is the limit! Yes, I have problems with you! Wanna know? But you won’t understand! You know what? I really feel sorry for you; now. I feel sorry that you are incapable of understanding people. I feel sorry that you are covered from head to toe with jealously. I really feel sorry that deep down inside this cultured gentleman, you are an asshole. Do you know what really your problem is? You stink, Jordon! And do you know why you stink? It’s because you don’t let things out. Everything from appreciation to anger is kept locked inside till both decompose together and make you stink even more! I really am sorry for you and me! Good bye.”

The slamming of the door was the last sound that Jordon heard that night. His body picked himself up; went to the cupboard in the bedroom; took out a sleeping pill; placed the tablet strip back in its original place; drank water from a glass kept nearby; kept the glass at the exact same position as it was before; reached for the bed; closed the eyes mechanically.

--*---

There were four legs before him: essentially belonging to two people – a guy and a girl. Jordon was kneeling down before the pair as they looked at him – a sorry look appeared on their face.

“I really feel sorry for you Mr. Jordon.” The guy who had sat at the center earlier today, declared as he paced to & fro in front of him.

“Yah I feel sorry for you asshole.” Kylie chipped in. Jordon chose to ignore here; instead stared at the panelist – his eyes moving - fixated on him, as he kept circling on an imaginary path observing Jordon in return.

“What do you think of yourself Mr. Jordon? - the best guitarist in the world? I wish you good luck Mr.Jordon – that is what you need – luck, to become someone great.

“Don’t bite your teeth Mr. Jordon. I would like to hear your thoughts, your emotions, your intentions, your desires and hatred and not just the crunching sound of your distress.

“Speak out Mr. Jordon. Tell me you hate me a lot. Tell me how you feel now.

“I would like to beat you to death!” Jordon declared, averting glance from the panelist.

“Oh, really? Am impressed – you do speak after all. Anything else, Mr. Jordon?”

The eyes were now fixed on the wall facing him, intensifying every moment, oblivious to the continuous stare of the panelist -

“I wanna tear your mouth; use your teeth as my plectrum …” - and the eyes turned to find the panelist. Finding him, it propelled the body to lunge for him – “… stove shit in your caustic mouth pierce your eyes with your teeth and beat you to …”-  to beat him.

In a swift motion, the panelist thrust a guitar on Jordon’s chest as he jumped to attack him.

“Your words are as shallow as your heart Mr. Jordon. Do you wanna attack me? Attack using this. Show me your anger, your aggression, your fierceness, your hatred, your perfection, using this.”

Jordon looked at the guitar like a novice. He really couldn’t conjure a tune to fit the situation. The panelist came close to his ears and said – “and this is why I said you don’t have it in you Mr. Jordon. You are at best a machine that can reproduce something that was fed into its system. Music is something that should come from within. It should define you; you should define it; your thoughts should mold it!” - saying that he walked out from the room.

As tears slid down from the reddish eyes of Jordon, Kylie came forward to kiss his eyes – “I really am sorry for you Jordon. Hope you realize what you should have known all along.”

--*---

Jordon woke up with teary eyes. He wanted to cry and scream at the same time; instead he chose to look for his guitar. He strummed the chords with his fingers to the only sound that came to his ears – the cry of his heart. But the sound it gave out wasn’t the same. The frustration catapulted. He tried different formats to bring out what is within him, but they were all bland – flat – cacophonous – inorganic. Tears rolled out of his eyes as he strained further. As it touched his lips, he remembered the kiss she gave him on his eyes, in his dream. Her charismatic presence, the aura around her, her angelic smile came to his mind. He remembered the way she used to practice violin in this very room; the swift movement of the bow & the intricate details that it produced combined with her oscillating fingers were the key features of her vibrato. As the notes in front of her rose and fell, so did her bow. Not only that, her fingers moved to and fro between the strings to produce that arresting tune. The fingers spoke volumes of her talent. The fingers spoke.

Then it hit him. Jordon placed his left hand on the G string. As he started strumming the chords with his right hand he pushed the G string towards D. Simultaneously pushed B string upwards. He pushed and pushed in every manner he felt was right – every manner he felt happy. He could hear his inner voice taking audible form. He played on till he could cry; he played on till he could laugh; he played on till he could scream; he played on till he could realize he invented rock. 

Thank you yourshumbly for making me write this

Wish I could say it, Wish I could live with it; Love that it is

“How many girls did you fall for in Germany, Senthil?” Nisha asked.

“Oh, quite a lot. The funny thing is many are falling for me.” Senthil boasted.

“Yah yah, and India and Pakistan are a single country now.” Roopa cut in.

“You people won’t believe me. I will show you the pictures of the girls I have been with.” Saying that, Senthil open the gallery in his cellphone and showed it to the girls.

The girls were speechless needless to say, because the babes in the photographs were awesome by any yardstick.

“Like it’s a big thing to get photographed with girls.” Jeeva remarked.

“Then try taking picture with a random girl when you go abroad next week” Senthil countered.

Jeeva closed his eyes trying to reduce his temper. He leaned closer to Senthil and told, “It’s not confirmed yet. So let’s not speak about it.”

“You are going to Germany Jeeva?” Nisha prodded.

“Nothing is confirmed. I haven’t even submitted my application for visa. So … that’s all” Jeeva answered in a conclusive manner, trying to avert the topic.

“Which country?” Nisha asked again.

“France; for training.” Jeeva replied in a straight face.

“How many days Jeeva?” it was now Roopa’s turn with the questions.

“2 weeks I guess. Nothing is confirmed yet. By the way Nisha, when are you leaving? You are transferred to some other city right?” Jeeva said in a fit of rage.

“What?” Nisha ask with tension.

“Nothing … forget it.” Jeeva tried to cover up his blunder.

“Tell me” she commanded.

“Are you getting transferred Nisha?” Roopa asked in between.

“No no … Jeeva what made you say like that?” Nisha said, trying to handle the situation.

“Some wrong information I guess. Leave it.” Jeeva retracted sensing the seriousness.

“Who spread such a thing?” Nisha voice arose, but within the level of dignity.

“It’s nothing. I might have misunderstood what Neha told me. Leave it” Jeeva confessed fully aware of the problem that he has to face now.

- X -

“What the hell is you problem with life? Do you want to show off that I am close to you!” a visibly angry Neha shouted over phone.

“It’s not like that. It just happened.” Jeeva replied.

“It just happened! Oh wow great… thanks a fucking lot… so that’s why she is pissed with me and not replying to my msgs after a sarcastic thanks... man u know how to screw up my life don't u? Do you have anything left??”

“No … am sorry”

“Get lost!! Don’t even speak to me ever again!” she shouted.

“Try to understand. Will I do it intentionally?”

“You just make my life a living hell!”

“But …”

“What?” Neha commanded over phone

“Please Neha. It’s an issue that can be solved. Our friendship is way above these issues.”

“It’s not about our history of friendship, Jeeva. It’s about the trust she has on me. How could you spoil the trust I have on you and in turn make me a succumb bag in front of her!”

“It has happened Neha. I can’t change it. Please move on.”

“If you can’t change it, it’s your problem. You have done enough harm for me to move on from this. But yah I need to move on; move on from our relationship.”

- X-

Okay Jeeva, get down to the core issue. Jeeva summoned himself rocking his chair.

What is you hindrance now? hmmm …. How to tell sorry.

Fine.

So how to tell sorry?

He stood up and started walking inside his 10 x 6 feet room.

How about this?

I will call and tell, “Look, am really sorry, okay? Bye”, short and simple.

Yes, short enough to not even bother what for was the sorry!

Then what do I tell a girl with whom I have a strained social relationship, when I just messed up her relationship with her best friend; who happens to be my best friend too?

He paced between the diagonal ends of the room trying to conjure a thought, an idea.

Fine, I will tell everything then.

“Hi there - am not sure if you really hate me, but I do know you are not comfortable with me ... our common friend might have confided the "alleged thing" to a wrong person like me. It doesn’t mean she has let u down ... if at all it would help, you can be happy that you have made your best friend realise what a bad person I am ... so don’t be irritated by her ... I am no one to advice ... just a stranger putting across few points.”

This is good. I think this will work. But, what if? Let’s check then.

He hurried to his seat, tapped the monitor to life and typed:

Jeeva: hi J

Sudha: hey

Jeeva: I have a doubt

Sudha: not again. Let me guess … fought with your gf?

Jeeva: :D

Sudha: you won’t learn!!

Jeeva: hello! Am learning! Do I come with the same issue again and again :P

Sudha: you and your explanations! Fine .. what did you do now?

Jeeva: well … you know we have been having some great conversations recently rite? I did something which can be termed an icing on the rotten cake. I told few things about a friend of hers to that friend itself, which she had told me earlier. It kinda rubbed her on the wrong side. Now there is some tension between them. That ripple kinda reached me now.

Sudha: why the hell, do you have to tell her that?

Jeeva: let’s not go there. I made a mistake; it can’t be changed.

Sudha: fine. So what is your doubt here?

Jeeva: I will send you a msg now; tell if it’s okay.

Hi there - am not sure if you really hate me, but I do know you are not comfortable with me ... our common friend might have confided the "alleged thing" to a wrong person like me. It doesn’t mean she has let u down ... if at all it would help, you can be happy that you have made your best friend realise what a bad person I am ... so don’t be irritated by her ... I am no one to advice ... just a stranger putting across few points.

Sudha: are you insane?

Jeeva: what happened?

Sudha: why are you lowering your self esteem? Why are you making yourself the bad person? It is a problem between them. If at all you want to ask sorry, ask to your gf.

Jeeva: but she won’t reply to me anymore.

Sudha: Just tell her through some means! Write her, msg her, call her.

Jeeva: we had a chat and it ended on a bad note. I don’t have the face to approach her again.

Sudha: hmmm … then what you can do is wait till she cools off. It is after all a girls’ fight. They will be back together in a jiffy.

Jeeva: yah I know.

Sudha: then why are you thinking of asking sorry to that girl?

Jeeva: hmmm

Sudha: think and act … don’t take any hasty decision. I need to leave now. t2yl.

Jeeva: hi J

Sanju: wassup

Jeeva: I will send you a passage now… tell what you feel about it.

Sanju: hmm … send

Jeeva: you meet a guy who you don’t like much ... in that meeting he asks suddenly if you are getting transferred in your office to another city ... you are surprised how he knows becoz its known to very few

you deny it

but later ask the guy how he got that idea

The guy tells her that he knew of it from a common friend (best friend to her)

You are bugged with that common friend and send a “thank you” msg to her.  Later don’t attend any calls from her. This guy meanwhile, realises there might be trouble because of him and tells that common friend about the incident. The guy gets superb dialogues from that common friend for trashing her life. So the guy decides to speak with you about it.

He sends a msg to you like: -  Hi there - am not sure if you really hate me, but I do know you are not comfortable with me ... our common friend might have confided the "alleged thing" to a wrong person like me. It doesn’t mean she has let u down ... if at all it would help, you can be happy that you have made your best friend realise what a bad person I am ... so don’t be irritated by her ... I am no one to advice ... just a stranger putting across few points.

Sanju: honestly I don’t see any issue here. But yah … some might feel let down. True. Let things cool down on it own. If you do something it will only spoil things further.

Jeeva: hmmm … yah. Anyways catch you later. Small work came up.

Oh my God!! Why the hell am I this desperate? Jeeva, have you gone nuts? Just great!

Who the hell is she? I hardly know her!! Why should I ask sorry to her? She means nothing to me after all. Yah that’s right. Tell her to sod off. Better, lets go out for a walk distant from all these issues.

He took to the streets casually strolling through every lane that passes by. After a half an hour walk to an eatery that is five minutes away from his home he sat down absorbing the intoxicating smell of Gobi Manchurian in the making. He feasted on his whim and when he felt relieved, went to the park for a mind-to-heart talk within him.

Let’s try this once again, shall we? Why are you doing this?

I want to settle everything before I leave.

Why so? You do have all the time in the world when you come back. Besides, that time will help them to move on.

What difference does it make? I just want to ask sorry for ruining two people’s relationship. I made a mistake and I feel guilty about it. I only want her to forgive me. I know she will patch up with Neha.

Fine; if it will relieve you and bring you back to your normal sense then go ahead.

Okay. So what do I speak to her? My last draft was bad. Hmmm

“Hi … can I have a min of urs? First of all am sorry ok? I dono the amount of trouble I had created but from what I can see, trust has taken a blow. The thing is I had forced her to explain the reason for spending a lot of time with you. That’s how I knew you were getting transferred; which I blurred out in our meeting. That was why I stopped short but you insisted on knowing everything. Sorry again.”

Let’s hope I stick to this.

He dialed Nisha’s number.

Jeeva: Hi Nisha, this is Jeeva.

Nisha: oh hi, anything important?

Jeeva: …. Yah … do you have a min. (without waiting for her to reply) First of all, like to ask sorry.

Nisha: pardon; you want me to ask sorry to you?

Jeeva: no no … am sorry.

Nisha: But why?

Jeeva: I dono about the amount of trouble I created, but I really shouldn’t have spoken about your life in public. Neha is really pissed off about it too.

Nisha: hey I didn’t take it wrongly. I was just curious how you know of it. I thought since your brother works in the same company, there might a link there.

Jeeva: oh … anyways, sorry for disturbing you. Bye

-          X –

He tried to sleep; he tried to be awake; he tried to work; he tried to relax; he tried to be calm; he tried to be serious; but nothing was making the dent in his heart to be filled. Jeeva walked through office and home; passed through the conversations with friends. He smiled occasionally, but it was all empty. He tried to cry, but could only laugh at his state of peril. All he wanted was to hear from her; it doesn’t matter if she fights with him, or makes him laugh. He wants his ears to be treated by that voice which invokes oceanic emotions inside him. As the day to leave for his trip came, he felt like a plant devoid of the eternal sunshine. Wish she could say “take care” before he boards the flight – he thought. Any sign of affection, any sign of love, heck any sign of remembrance: but nothing was found. Has he become nothing to her? Why can’t she come down a bit? He tried to pray, but that is like leaving everything to fate. He wants her to be back, not wish for her presence. If there were words spoken, he said bye to his parents, for he didn’t want to worry them unnecessarily. As he boarded the flight, he can’t but feel callous. Was he hardened by the event? His wet eyes said no.

“Sir, would you like to have something to drink?” the airhostess asked.

“Yes! please. That is all I need now!” Jeeva smirked

She placed a glass of gin and walked away with a smile.

“Oh great!”

Perturbed, Jeeva searched for his eye-band in his back pack. On finding it, he wore it in an attempt to shut off from the outside world.

“Is it hurting?”

“Yah can’t bear the pain” Jeeva confessed to Neha. Concerned she carefully laid his head on her shoulder after unbuckling him. He reached for her hands and clasped it with his, which she immediately released; only to be together again by producing it between his arm & torso. He gave a smuggish smile and rested comfortably on her shoulder. She sensed his breathing got slower. Relieved, he is at peace, she too leaned on his head. In the soothing movement of the plane, they dozed off only to be woken up by turbulence.

“How long was I sleep?”

“hmm … an hour I suppose.” She replied.

“So we finally are going on a road trip”

“Hmmm … yah” she said, as a smile broke into her face.

“Where are we now?” Jeeva asked.

“No idea, I didn’t notice any signboards for a long time.” She replied.

“Wish they could stop somewhere now. With this head ache of mine, I sure could have a cup of tea!”

“Yuck! All you tea lovers! How do you people take it?”

“At least we don’t take the unhealthy coffee”

“Excuse me! Coffee is perfectly fine for health!”

“Whatever; not in a state to argue with you”

“Hmmm … wanna take rest? Why don’t you lie down on my … lap”

Before she could complete the sentence he raised the hand rest and was flat on her lap facing her. As those deep eyes starred at her she underwent a current of waves, a feeling of passion which brightened her face. She slowly caressed his hair as his eyes drove close. Raising her leg she brought his head close to her bosom and pecked on his forehead.

“Do you want the tv running?” she asked sensing his sleepiness.

“Hmm … I don’t need it.” Drawing her hand close to his heart, he continued “I feel serene; don’t need anything else”, he said contended.

“When you smile like that you look cute, you know” she remarked.

“You do remember that am a guy right?”

“With you bend upon poking me to prove that again and again, do I have any other choice?” she said with a wink.

“In that case, switch off the tv; I need to sleep”

“Yah okay …” as she pressed the red button, “hey hey, why are you pushing me? You said you wanted to sleep!”

“Yah, with you”, he replied with a mischievous smile.

“Get lost!! Don’t even speak to me ever again!” she shouted.

“Try to understand. Will I do it intentionally?”

“You just make my life a living hell!”

“But …”

“What?” Neha commanded over phone; irritated by the issue she has in hand.

Jeeva couldn’t stand the situation. His frustrated look over both of them was increasing every second.

“It’s not about our history of friendship, Jeeva. It’s about the trust she has on me. How could you spoil the trust I have on you and in turn make me a succumb bag in front of her!”

“Bull shit. What the hell does she think of herself! Leave her! What is with you, you wuzz! Can’t stand up for you? Going on bending! Open your eyes, there is only grave left to stoop.”

“It has happened Neha. I can’t change it. Please move on.”

“If you can’t change it, it’s your problem. You have done enough harm for me to move on from this. But yah I need to move on; move on from our relationship.”

“What is wrong with you Jeeva? Sitting in a chair and pleading to her. Get up and get a life!” Jeeva blasted unable to control his temper. He turned towards her, lying on her bed in her home and continued “and you! What do I do with you! Don’t you know the meaning of forgiveness! You are speaking as if you are the only person to face hardship here. Can’t you see what he is trying to do?”  He jumped on the bed vexed by her continuous banter and called for her attention. On not getting it, “this is the throat that is speaking all this crap right?” He said in a wicked tone and grabbed her neck. “Scream now; will you! Scream! Scream!” he screamed as he tightened his hold.

“What? Ah … no”

“Jeeva?” Ram called.

Shaking off the explicit images, he conjured some words to reply; “oh … okay okay ... Yah”

“Bad dream?”

“Hmmm … yah … I hope so.”

“Straighten up, we are instructed to wear seat belt; rough weather.”

“Okay.” As he searched for the buckle he saw, what was remaining of a glass of gin. Great! Empty glass makes a loaded mind.

- X -

“Hey Neha, I forgot to tell you one thing.” Nisha declared, while they were busy watching sitcoms at Neha’s home.

“What’s it about?” Neha quizzed.

“Your friend, that Jeeva, is he mad or what?”

“Why so? What did he do?” Neha asked in a disinterested manner.

“He called up the other day and was asking sorry.”

“He did that?” Neha said starled inside. But she managed to maintained her non-committal look.

“Yah! Stupid guy. He took me very seriously the other day I guess.”

Neha who usually feels comfortable with Nisha around was feeling the itch somewhere. She was becoming self-conscious with every second.

“What did he say? When did it happen?” she asked wanting to know everything there is to know.

“Oh … the next day after I met him. Did you say anything to him?”

“Hmmm … yah … I shouted at him.”

“Poor guy. He was desperate to make me forgive him. I told him I never had a grudge and calmed him down.”

“He is highly desperate in many issues. Stupid.” Neha said with a pinch of smile appearing on her face. She was surprised she got that thinking about him.

“I think he loves you.” Nisha said looking at her with a look that said ‘girl you are trapped’.

“Yah …” Neha said without any sign of emotion.

“And you Neha?” Nisha asked with doubt.

- X -

He landed on four wheels safely. The minute he touched the foreign land, he went straight for the international calling booth.

“Why do you do this? Why can’t you be cool?”

“Sorry?”

“Yes … I am sorry.

Wish I could have stopped;

Wish I could have tolerated;

Wish I could have known;

Wish I could have understood;

Wish I could have learnt it before hand.

Wish I could say everything;

Wish I could tolerate everything;

Wish I could live with everything;

Love that I have is everything.

I can’t control my thoughts. I can’t control my actions. Heck, I can’t control my dreams! I …”

“I love you” a voice interrupted the bombardment of words calmly.

“Err ...What?”

“I love you. Now you carry on with your banter.” She said coolly. 

- X -

"Jeeva? we have landed. wake up!" Ram called anxious to step out on a foreign land.

THE END

Credits: Eternal Sunshine.

Volitation

“Testing”. *rewind* ‘testing’

“Good. At least this is working.”

It is ten past eleven in the night. The sky is lit by the lonely moon, whose brightness is the only saving grace for the otherwise murky night. But it shouldn’t have been; if not for the impact. While the whole city is coming back to its bright neon lights after the impact; like tiny dots of stars that appear one after the other out of thin air at exponential speed and randomness; a hulky figure broods over the scene with a small piece of equipment close to its sulky mouth. “It is erringly quiet here. I am standing at the entrance to the terrace of Imperial towers where two bodies were found. I am Ram reporting from the scene of crime. I interrogated the witness; the maintenance guy, who told me off seeing two bodies lying on floor when he went to repair the CCTV camera. Allegedly the camera went off air with the total power system and never came back. I am moving towards my right, where the bodies were found. I see shattered pieces of what would have been the camera. I could see an object: a guy 100 meters from here. No pulse; body: dead cold. Where is the other one? Ah there. No pulse here too. I see blood on his face. I hope my torch will work. Voila; wow! That’s a shocker. Fine. Fine. Let me see some id. Any ids MR. ….? Yes. Mr. Sharma of Reliance ltd.”

“You won’t get anything substantial from him” said a voice with sullen sharpness.

“What the … who? How? ...  Who are you?”

The man stood menacingly tall with broad well built figure. “The gravity of this scene is very high”

“Uh?” putting his act together after the initial shock, Ram spoke, “What happened? How did he end up like this?” pointing to the corpse of Mr. Sharma.

“It’s cold here. Let me warm up”, said the stranger as he moved towards the edge.  

“Stay where you are. You are under arrest!” Ram commanded with urgency.

“You just have to push a little harder to escape the pull” the guy declared with a cunning smile standing on top the wall.

“What are you doing? My hand is burning. The … recorder! Hey don’t jump. Stop! Bloody hell! How did he do that?” – Ram said looking at the sky as he saw him disappear.

Learning it the hard way

“Wow! I have never seen the main road this jam-packed!" - a surprised Deb remarked . Reena looked at his innocent face brimming with excitement. In an instant the blushing cheek muscles disappeared as those big eyes enlarged.

“I think there is an accident”; prodding a by-stander Deb asked, “what happened?”

“The guy turned left near the junction without indicator…”

“and?”

“… and a bus that was speeding to cross the junction averting the signal hit the car. They are taking him in an ambulance I think.”

“Poor guy …”

“Yah …". She paused for a moment, but the pulled him to her side and said, "Deb. Lets go. I don’t want to stay here any longer.”

“This is it Reena. My home” proclaimed Deb standing in front of a two storey building. They entered the hall and as Reena walked towards the couch, Deb signaled her to come upstairs with him. “I don’t like studying there. That’s my room; at the right to the end of the stairs.” Deb indicated as they climbed up. He cleared the bed and asked her to be seated while he searched for his books. Handing them over to her he excused himself to fix up a snack for them against her disapproval. Reena looked around the room and the first thing she noticed was that for a guy it sure looked clean. She started flicking the pages of books kept on the bed. Suddenly the light went off. “Deb?  ... Deb? … ah ... I think the power has gone. Are you there?”

From the distance she heard Deb yelling, “Yah there seems to be a power failure.”

“But I can see lights in the neighborhood.”

“Our house draws power from the adjacent street. I am bringing a candle.”

“It will come in few minutes. I called up the EB.” Deb told apologetically as he set the candle on a near by table. With that light he searched for an emergency lamp; finding that placed it near Reena. Cursing about the lost time, he started going through the topics to covered. He first introduced to her the terminologies so that she could get accustomed with the subject.

“… So you see the inclined angle needs more torque than a vehicle in horizontal position.”

“Oh …”

“Why don’t you draw the pictorial representation in the form of a vector diagram? That will make you understand things better.”

“Hmm … okay … I will try.”

As she started to mark the points, he started screaming, “No no … not that way. Let me show you.”

He asked her to move to her side and sat next to her and showed her how to approach the problem. With expertise he finished it. Excited on seeing the problem solved, she patted him on his back. As he did that he felt the softness on his shoulders. He laid his hand on her right thigh in reply and gave a smile of approval. 

He started reading out the next problem while his left hand stealthy started moving upwards. As he moved closer while explaining the concept behind the problem she involuntarily shook her head dazed. Before she could react his hand went between her as he grabbed her with his other hand trying to kiss her. She instantly pushed him aside and shouted “what the hell happened to you!”

Shaking off, he replied moving towards her “oh … am sorry … it’s just that …” and tried to hug her again. “What is wrong with you!” she yelled of shock.

“Oh come on. Like you have not done it before. I dono. I just want you now.”

“Fuck off.”

Getting hold of her as she reached for the door he told “Where are you going?”, and tried to squeeze her. She bit his hand and as he retrieved it, she drew her right hand, the hand with which she played tennis, and like how she plays the back hand shots which used to terrorize her opponents, she with all her force punched him on his face. She shook her hand letting the blood get off and walked away.

“I told you to be safe. But you asked for it. How can you not see it before? How did you miscalculate?” Jai told to Diya with each word stressed more than necessary while trying to control his temper. He can not become a father now. He is starting his carrier only now. How can he afford to have a family? She had told him it was perfectly fine to do it then!

“You were so sure of yourself!” Jai continued as he sat inside his car. Ignoring the warning signal in the dashboard; he buzzed off to her apartment.

“I dono Jai. It could not have happened. I can’t understand.”

“You and your dates!”

“You know I can’t get involved in this now!”

“So what do you mean to say Jai; that, it is all because of me? You were the one who wanted to feel me! We both are equally responsible!”

“Shit I forgot to change lanes.”

“Jai? Jai? You there? I am hearing crashing sound. What happened? Why are you not replying?”

CALL ENDED.

Unmai sonnaal nessipaya?

CHAPTER I

“What do you like to have Krithika?” I queried adjusting my throat. I shouldn’t have had that ice cream at mid night when I need to speak a lot today. Ravi if today isn’t anywhere near great, I will kill you.

“Anything you like. After all it’s your birthday.”

“Hey come on. No formalities” I tried being the good host.

“No. I mean it. I want to have what you like in this menu. We will have what you love. The least I can do for this person sitting before me is to experience his taste.” Krithika declared.

“They serve chicken here” I said with a mischievous smile looking at her. I noticed the dimple slowly disappearing as her face changed. She reached for the fork and forcing the dimple to reappear again said “yah sure.” I wanted to blurt those words then, but I didn’t want to change the plan. This should be special. Slowly smiled at her and said I was only joking and went about the menu thinking what SHE would like. Making my decision I started to recite my decision only to see her fixed over something. The reason was someone she knew crossed by the table. As she pointed out that guy to me, by some intuition he turned and saw us; saw her pointing at him. Recognizing her he came towards us and before he could give any remark Krithika took the lead.

“Hi Abhay … this is my good friend Ramesh. Ramesh, this is Abhay.”

“Hi Abhay. Are you her colleague?”

“Hi, yes. We share the same floor but different section.”

“Oh fine.”

“So what’s the occasion Krithika? Being very formal”

“It’s Ramesh’s birthday today.”

“Oh! Great: my wishes to you.”

“Oh oh … office calling. Exuse me.” Krithika informed.

“Yah … sure; carry on” I told her.

“Acha, So you work here in Delhi?”

“Nehi yaar, Mein Chennai- wala hoon. Krithika ko dekne yahan aaya aaj.”

“Aapko hindi aati hai? Krithika ko sikavo yaar! ”

“Zaroor. Jab samey mile toh. Aakir geheri dosti toh hai”

“Oh really? Muje ek madadh karo nah. Tum to Krithika ko janthe ho. Woh kaisi bolti hai yaar! Jab jab koyi problem aatha hai to woh aur kuch log, tamizh mein hi bath karthe hai. Aur jab ve bore ho jathe hai to mujhe dekkar kuch kuch bolte hai. Mujhe ek ya doh shabd sikavo nah, jishe mein Krithika par use kar sakun. Please?

While I was contemplating whether to help him out or not, Krithika entered the hall. When she saw Abhay still sitting here she took a pause but when she saw me smiling at her she returned the gesture. She walked towards me with the air of confidence. I kept starring at her. Noticing the strange sight she gave a puzzled look with a tint of unsurity which was enticing me. It jolted my backbone and when she broke into a blushing smile only for a moment it was killing me for eternity. I just wanted to kiss her right there right then. And I knew what she will tell if I get any closer to her in public: “hey loose maikan, don’t be desperate” tapping my hormonal surge. For which I would reply: “Okay Kula Katrika” and we would trod off to our irreverent attack on each other.

”Sirf ek ya doh shabd, with which I can come out of the language trap?” Abhay barged in, in pleading mode.

“Call her, ‘loose maikan’ or ‘kula katrika’”, I declared to Abhay.

“Err what? Can you tell the meaning?” he asked with confusion

“Loose means fool while kula katri means petite brinjal – you get the point?”

“Wow. This is more than enough. Thanks dude.”

“Yah anytime” I replied happy to help.

When she reached the table Abhay signed off after wishing me again.

“Seems to be a nice guy” I remarked.

“Don’t you dare support him. The only work he does in office is to make my life miserable. Just hate him to the core!” Taking a pause she took in a large sip of water which I believe was to cool down. After taking a huge breath she said “Anyway let’s not ruin our day. The food smells great why don’t we attack it?”

“Yah sure” I said with a mechanical smile. While drawing the panner chawal with fork, I was wishing for some brilliant idea cut through my head to butter her. What if I make the move I had planned earlier? But wait: I can see the future now itself. Tomorrow when she goes to office she will have a royal reception thanks to my snippety-snappetty words.

“Is there anything wrong?” a voice breaking the mind block enquired.

“Nothing Krithika. Hope you like the food?”

“Yah good. The ambience is perfect. We should visit here often.”

“Yes. Why not?” I said swallowing the words -Only if we have a next meeting.

When I was contemplating how to break the ice, ice cream came. Looking at her happily wading the cup I decided to prolong the smile.

CHAPTER II

The last time I remember starring at the big screen without registering anything was way back when I was expecting my state board results while in a theatre. The actor today too fought and fought, rose from the ashes and again fought and finally brought the wrong doers to justice while I was awaiting my judgment. Finally it came:

“Mr. Ramesh you are dead!”

“Am sorry Krithika”

“You are so dead. You traitor!”

“But it wasn’t intentional!”

“You were supposed to be on my side!!”

“But I didn’t know! Am sorry”

“Go tell your sorry to yourself! Get lost”

“But …”

“ ”

“but …”

“ ”

“Oh fine … yah I deserve it!”

“Guess I made a big fool out of myself.”

“Congrats”

CHAPTER III

Thoughts shimmers, mind trembles, hands shivers but I don’t think I have fever. I took my pen to sign those pending finance reports. But I couldn’t sign. It was her gift. She said, “I dono how long I can be your inspiration but at least let me be a cause for your writing”. I forced myself to think this as a test of perseverance. I paced to & fro between the two ends of my 6*4 feet cubicle. There were the articles I need to approve off for publishing. I need to interview few people this eve and more importantly I need to have lunch. That’s right I can eat and digest the sorrow. But the same thought brought back memories of her. It was her habit to brunch when dejected. It’s been two weeks since the incident! I should have shaken off the trauma by now. Deciding its better to be amidst people I started for to see what my crew members were doing. As I came out of my self obsession and entered their world, I could hear bustling sounds of energetic writers brainstorming at one end while the rest were busy slashing their keyboards meeting deadlines. I chose to avoid the intellectuals and strode towards the regular content providers. I was so wrong in my decision – again. That obnoxious sound, that tapping sound, it was tormenting me. With each tap of theirs, I felt like letters, syllabi, words were tapping into my head, typing the conversation and the implications. It was typing inside me, those letters, those text messages I typed to her. I was basking for a pause, but I forgot that also had to be tapped in a keyboard. I collected myself and went straight back to my cubicle wanting to type the letter. I tried and tried but my waging war was up against my inner self. Words failed to be transferred and I was losing the battle. The lotus girl was clouding my thoughts. As I declared that allegory to myself, thoughts transcended and I wrote:

Dear Krithika (and not Kritz coz that will be resorting to flattery)

poo pootra kangal; por thodukiren, [clouded eyes; (I am) waging war]

padha paduthapaduveno thanimayil? [Will loneliness perfect me?]

Naadi selgiren vyugathilul; [diving into the black hole]

Velven: yen manadaal kar sollai; [Victory: I shall have over my misdeed]

Tedi varuven, saran adaiven, [(I) will search for you, reach for your feet]

nizhal kodupaya? [Will you give shelter (then)?]

Yen yakai uyir meetpaya? [Will you rescue my inner soul?]

And the female voice continued reading aloud as she walked towards the bed:

kiranam ne; [you are the sun’s rays]

krithigai ne; [you are the stars, Krithika]

Yen kaarthigai ne; [you are my festival]

Ne illamal yenge inbam; [without you how can there be happiness]

Ennai mannipaya? [Will you forgive me?]

And before she could complete that, a voice at the entrance of her door continued:

Vazhi vaasalil nirkiren, pessa penne, [I am at the crossroads of life, oh muffled girl,

Vizhi asaipaya? [Answer through you batting eyes.]

She looked at the person who owned the voice, the voice she loved; the voice she loves; the guy she loves. Words didn’t matter to her. The poetry didn’t affect her. The teary eyes of the person, standing in front of her was tearing her apart. She couldn’t take it any longer. He raised his head to see through those watery eyes. He looked at the rose that was tightly clasped secure in her left hand. Scared, he tried to recollect if he had removed the thorn. Yes he did. The hands suddenly released the rose only to land on the bed and before he could comprehend the reason she flung her hands around him kissing him whilst her friends cheered her.

“Sir … Sir?” I heard clapping sound. Realizing the dire situation I sprung like a nimble.

“Yah sorry … head ache. What is the time?”

“It’s 4:30pm.”

“Can you do me a favour? Please book the next flight to Delhi for me. I think I will reach there by 5:30 if I hurry. Book the flight that leaves after that and message me the details.”

Saving the poem I typed, I went to find out the climax for the story that I should write.

CHAPTER IV

She turned the corner and disappeared from my view into her street. Not wanting to lose her literally, I ran. The heart pace weakened as I caught her within my eyesight only to shoot up as I neared her. Reaching her I started walking to her pace. Noticing the pair of shoes that she had bought for someone she knew, her feet slowed down and our eyes met. I thought she would be surprised, if at all she was she didn’t show it.

“Can we speak or shall I turn back and go?”

“Hey hi. No tell” and she started moving slowly towards her place.

“So how are you?”

“Yah fine. I was just thinking about you.”

“hmmm … thoughts .. Hope I didn’t trouble you at least there.”

“No …”

Seeing my urging look she continued, “it … was a nice memory”

“Oh .. good to hear”

“Hey, I need to go. Sorry can’t ask you to come in. If you stay here till tomorrow will meet you.”

“Krithika?”

“Yah?” she said stopping.

“Hope you forgive me.”

“Well my heart is big.” She replied with a smile. Oh the smile. In moonlight it was a picturesque scene. I thought it should be told in the most romantic way possible. The perfect ambience, the perfect dress, the choicest food, relaxed mind. But seeing her I realized the scene is not in the land to make it romantic, the scene is in the ambience of the mind; the power which created those painting of locations for those ideal proposals.

“Can I tell you a truth?”

“Go on?”

“I love you”

She paused and in that shock my life passed for a moment. But she started to bring back those hidden dimples. As she skewed her head to project as if she was thinking she replied breaking to a smile, “I will think about it and tell you.”

-X-

Useless fact:

This story is based on one of my favourite songs from Aayutha Ezhuthu "Nenjam ellam" by A.R.Rahman & Mani Rathnam. Lyrics by Vairamuthu.

This story travels backwards in content of this song and ends in a proposal, where this song actually starts in the movie.

unmai sonnaal naesippaaya (if i tell you the truth, will you love me?)
manjathin mael mannippaaya (in bed will you forgive me?)

nee muththa paarvai paarkum boadhu (when you look through your lustful eyes)
en mudhugu thandil minnal vettum ( the thunder jolts my backbone)
nee dhaane mazhai maegham enakku (you are my rain clouds)
en hormone nadhiyil vella perukku (my hormonal flood)
paasangu ini namakkedhukku (why do we need folly)
yaar kaetka namakku naame vaazhvadharkku (whom to approve off, we are after all for each other)

en manasellam maargazhi dhaan (my heart is like the winter)
en kanavellam kaarthigai dhaan (my dreams are festive)
un kuraigal naan ariyavillai (I don’t know of your penance)
naan arindhaal sooriyanil suththam illai (If I come to know, then the sun is not pure)

Credits: Eternal Sunshine

The heavy step

Prologue:

“It is 5:30 Anitha, better hurry up!” I told my daughter. Whilst she was bathing, I made sure all her items were ready. When she came with water dripping all over, I dried her with towel and dressed her with the bullet proof jacket. I reached for the head gear and connected it with the hose. I then connected the other end of the hose to the oxygen packet which she had put on her back. After testing the voice & video reception I covered her face with it. I picked her carry back from beside the pile of bullets that was scattered over her study table and checked if it contains the trivial ammunitions. When she turned to drink the energy drink I sneaked her b’day present into her bag. My attention was distracted by the buzzing of her school communication channel proclaiming that the transport system has arrived. We hurried to the door and as usual waited for the 10 guards to inspect the entrance area for exact 2 minutes. After the checkup they opened the door. We immediately went for the military wagon. After helping Anitha climb in I ran back into the house as we were allowed only 2 minutes for human transport.

“Happy b’day Anitha”.

“Thank you Ravi.

Hey Ravi, yesterday saw in news about the Maoists attack in your house. How come coming to school today itself?”

“Oh that … its nothing. After 3 hours of struggle as hostage under the Maoists we made a reply fight. Thanks to my brother's school project we could attack them from remote and drive them away.”

“That’s cool man. Hope your family sends it to our leader so that he can mass produce it for all of us.

Neways am dying to check out the present my mother hid inside my bag this morning.”

I turned to concentrate on my bag. It contained so many miniature artilleries and tweaks. After thorough search I found a rose box underneath a dozen sniper cartridges. Eagerly I removed it from the bag and kept it on my lap. Curiosity taking the better of me I started tearing the cover for I knew my mom always gives me the best gifts. Voila, this time too she rocked. Seriously this woman knows what to buy. It was a pair of highly advanced weapon sensory shoes. I removed my ordinary old shoes and wore the right shoe first. I then slowly inserted the left shoe into my iron leg so that the transmitter at the ankle area of the shoe doesn’t short circuit with the receptor at the ankle part of my leg. After inserting it in I connected the transmitter to the receptor and the non-sensory leg started sending signal to the brain again. To be precise it’s been a year since my brain received data from my left leg after that faithful day when I stepped on the landmine that the Naxals had planted outside our school building. I later heard that it was nothing but a training session for the trainees in their team.

What will happen if i love you?

Usually the noise from the wrecked engine of my vintage bike (vintage for obvious reasons) would cut off any sound that wants to reach my ears. But today was not to be. I was up at 6am driving through I dono where, as my hands & spinal cord has given rest to my brain which is occupied with something more dear. The resounding tune of lab dub was all I could hear in my head, as my heart was racing past the speed of my bike filling it with blood and thoughts. It was just one thought; a dream; a dream I shouldn’t have had. As I always do when I get tensed – adjust my glasses with my forefinger, (it reminds me, all that is needed is a little push to fit in perfectly) I brought my finger to my face only to realize my naked eyes.

But that wasn’t the case on the eventful day. I got tensed & adjusted my specs. It is my opinion that for the onlooker it will seem as if I am cool. I also remember someone telling me, unexpected actions do catch the eyes of girls. It sure seemed to be a great way to lock eyes with the girl you want – I thought then. And then it happened: like a fresh air that comes all of a sudden after what would feel like eternal stillness, she walked into the marriage hall blurring everything around her. Like an angel in red saree she came through the door way into the hall and before I could comprehend, straight into my heart! Whoever said, “The bride is the most beautiful woman in her marriage”, should check her out. I decided its time to put to practice my concept. I looked straight at her as she was walking past me and adjusted the frame while clearing my throat. Darn! There goes the walking smiling result of my so called brilliant idea! But as she went past me, my hand automatically went for the frame again; reason? She was walking towards my mother!!! Of all the places, Good God, was this the place to get scolding? While I was scanning my mother’s face trying to decipher her mood, she caught hold of me starring at her and immediately called me over there.

When a girl looks at you, as you walk towards her, you will get the feeling of walking the aisle. To top it, I was actually walking the aisle where my cousin would be walking in sometime. I call it the “Reflex action” found only in guys. As I was walking towards the most attractive girl, my belly dug its grave inside my body & my chest tight by itself to project myself as THE MAN. With a smile that could very well be declared blushing I looked at her. Ah! The radiance! I gave a sigh leaving my breath out – for she took my breath away. The result; my belly came out. Wish I could change my body to how I was 3 months back. White collar job does affect your figure where it matters the most!

My mother quickly dragged me out of my dream.

“Don’t you remember your sister? Why are starring at her like that?”

Pop! My mother burst my dream with her designer hair clip.

“She is your Uncle Anand’s daughter.”

Phewh! I was scared for a second there. Thank you Uncle, for being related to me in such a way that, I could marry your daughter. But isn’t she 1 year older than me? Look Jai, one thing at a time.

“You forgot me?” She queered, bringing me back to the real world where am still her cousin. I looked around to see that my mother has left us alone. Mother you won’t be disappointed. Look how your son is going to spread his charm over her.

“Are you all right?? You have been starring at me for a long time now.”

“No … no … just …. Just recollecting the good old days” I managed. God only knows what I did with her back then. I hope I never called her sis. Nah! I was ripe as a seed itself.

“Isn’t it a pleasure to have a gorgeous face? You will be happy that all the eyes will rest on your face alone.”

“I will take that as a compliment” she replied with a smile. Wow! Flirting with relatives is the safest thing in this world.

Realizing something she while leaning forward to reach me started “Hey …” and while touching my arm she begin to continue to say something and then it happened again. The “Reflex action” found only in guys. I flexed my muscle to bring the triceps out. As the “C” shaped muscles came out, I could see a grin forming in her face forgetting what she wanted to say. And yes!!! Am on a roll today baby! It’s good that I did some muscles toning when I was jobless after college.

“Hey … okay … see” she begin suppressing her smile, “look I got to go now okay.” She paused which I later realized was for me to say something. Since I was dumbstruck she continued, “I have given my number to your mother. When you find time …?” she ended with a look that conveyed her unfinished sentence through face. Without waiting for a reply she turned and started walking towards the door. The swaying back!! ; like twin tablas wanting to be played. I could hear the non-existent music as each hip gets compressed by the sudden rush of muscles on either side. Music to the eyes! I then suddenly realized “Hey wont you come for the DJ night this eve?”

“Sure, will be your partner” she said with a smile and left.

Ram came into the bus sweating. “What happened?” I asked dropping my phone into my pocket. He signaled to look at my phone as he sat next to me. It said he had made 4 calls and 5 msgs all saying stop the bus, with increasing order of abuses suffixing each sms.

“Sorry dude, I was speaking with my girl about the Mayajaal trip we had.”

“What the …!?? You have a girl? You went on a date? ; that too, as far as Mayajaal?”

We guys are truly unique: moments ago he was this angry young man and then second later see how he is ready to take a scoop of my story.

“Yah … my cousin; met her after 9 years. We liked each other instantly …” “So who made the move” Ram jumped in.

“It wasn’t a clear move … I signaled her if she will come for the DJ night after the marriage & she said she will be my partner.”

“Whew … and you would have swept her away with your moves.”

“No … it was mostly dandiya kind of music on the guy’s side’s insistence.”

“So you were clapping with her using the sticks?” he chuckled. “Now that I imagine its funny you and miss So n So hitting the sticks.”

“Okay okay … it’s not entirely that. We have nice steps too. It was fun”

“Ffuunnnn … ahem … you had real fun?” he asked winking.

“Err … we were close … enough to hug” I said with a dreamy smile. I noticed he was all eyes on me. “okay okay … now you need not ask where was my hand at that time … but while we were at it, I whispered in her ear about the Mayajaal plan.”

“Smooth move boss! So Mayajaal would have been fun”

“Well, it did start that way; we went by my bike.”

“Your bike? Oh no! bad!!”

“It’s not that bad okay! Anyway we did snow bowling n all and before we were about to leave she said she is engaged”

“Hold it right there! You just now said she is your girl!”

“Yah …”

“But … then … HOW!”

“Look, I don’t wanna ruin what is happening right now with all the philosophy, right thing and all that shit … I know its not the correct thing to do … I want to live and love this moment” I said.

“Okay …” he said. He then smiled at me, maybe to show he can understand. But then he smiled again which broke into a grin and then he screamed “pap paba pa ba … dud u du … Unnai paartha pinbu naan, naan aaga illaye …” (link) and then declared with enthusiasm, “Dude you have become Ajith Kumar!” Though I was kinda excited that I was being compared with THE AJITH, I know deep down he was making fun. Yet I felt happy that it’s a moment to enjoy and not think of the worse.

I was reclining on my bike thinking how wrong I was. In front of me was Mayajaal, where it all materialized. It was not New Year yet, but I had resolved that when I would leave for home, I will leave behind the memories of her. I can’t say it was a good or bad dream for I hadn’t thought of it then. That was the last thing I wanted to do.

Having made my decision, with satisfaction I started my bike. Was it the cool air or the calm road, I felt relaxed. I saw people rarely coming in the opposite side and as usual, my eyes found many girls coming in coupe- a drop down one. Rich girls in Prosche; I wished life should be that cool to be enjoyed. “Oh come on you are again going back!!!” – I told myself. To distract myself I started observing the surroundings. On my right few hot girls in half saree were walking as a group. I slowed down to see that the ladies in saree were pretty too. They were walking into a hall. Curious, I saw the board that was kept near the entrance. People say when you are scared you won’t know what to do. I immediately closed my eyes. “Why? Why? Why did I read those 2 words?? … Okay calm down”. I took a deep breath; “better move out of this place!” I dono how I made that mistake but without looking behind I went into the highway only to have a date with Mr. Accident!

A girl was shouting, “Where is the sandal power sachet? This won’t be enough!! Look at the crowd. What will we do without sandal paste in a baby shower?”

“Okay Anitha don’t make a big fuss. The sachet was left behind in the changing room. Enough to use for your baby shower too … gasp … but for that someone should come near you rite?”

“Hey Divya …”, Anitha said

“Yah … tell”

“Look at Jai de … See how sincerely he is working for his ex-gf’s function”

Divya joined in, “Come on Jai, don’t stare at Anitha like that … she is telling the truth only na”

“What is this? a tit-for-tat? Anyway that is history. Shall we move on? By the way, I think you people are next to do the deed as a cousin …”

“See Divya, Jai wants to cut us short. What Jai? Can’t handle facts?”

“I can handle facts, but not you girls!”

“Come on, cheer up dude. After all you are the man of the day!”

“You should tell that to Ajay!”

“But he is abroad right …”

“So?”

“So you should take the responsibility”

“What are you people up to? Do you realize what you are saying!!?”

“Chill man … we know everything”

“Hold you horses okay … There was nothing serious between us!”

“Okay okay … no tension …”

“Hmmm …”

“So tell me Jai, what are the two names decided for the baby?”

“Ravi if a boy; Revathi if a girl”

“What do you think Jai? Will the baby be J.Ravi or J.Revathi?”

“SHUT UP!!!”

She bends down, pretending to bathe herself to purity before garlanding herself. She looks at herself with the eyes that had just moments before the bath, was enchanted by the beauty of the glimmering full moon on the auspicious day. She could see the garland that ought to be worn by the blue god. With a smile that will come only when your heart is filled with God, she prepares herself to describe the valor of Him through every part of her body.

She takes her right hand with the fore & middle finger pointed out (which in modern day could be interpreted with pride by certain sect as “V” for Vishnu) and brings them to her wide open eyes to symbolize the red eyes of Him. As she brings them closer she could only imagine the pair of eyes protected by spectacles that had mesmerized her, while the voice sings the line, “Paaror pukazha-p-pathinthul-el or empavaay”.(translation)

She stretch her hands out in the aramandi posture in sync with the line “paazhiyan thol utaip parpanaapan kaaiyil”(translation), her face that should have portrayed a gritter look, breaks into a smile because she could only remember the fat muscles that he was trying to project as fit ones on their first meet. What day it turned out to be! ; Especially the evening. She could still hear the music of his breathing as he waited for aeons to speak to her ears. And the sound of his heart beat, the only thing that she cared to hear sitting behind him on their way back from Mayajaal. She could still feel the hotness she felt that time even when cool air was flowing all over her.

She would have continued on with her dream if not for those precise words, “veppam kotukkum vimalaa thuyilezhaay …” (translation) And she woke up from her day dream. She pause the audio to relax and return to normalcy. After a while on being sure that she is fine, she rewinds the hymn and starts it again. With bright eyes & pleading face she raises her hand, requesting the Lord to wake up. As the line “Ceppenna men mulaic cev vaaye ciru marungkal ...”(translation) comes, her hands cuts through air forming the structure of ‘8’ and instead of pleading the Goddess to wake up, she brings both hands to feel the shape she had drawn in air. She then brings her hand to indicate the rosy lips. Call it instinct or realization, her eyes open up to reality and immediately gasping she closes her mouth with her raised hand. Perplexed, she walks towards the mirror to look at herself. What has she done? Was she falling for him? But she shouldn’t. This is not right. She loves Ajay and they are about to marry. She has to make a decision right now.

“ippothe emmai niraattu

El or empaavaay” (translation)

“Shut up!!”

“Jai … Jai … wake up … what happened?”

“Yeah …”

“Bad dream?”

“Yah ….” He could see his mother looking tensed. “Its okay ... just a bad dream … nothing serious.”

“Jai …” his mother replied, “you have guests”

Jai raised his heard to see who it was. He closed his eyes again and complained to himself, first in the form of bad dream, now in person! Don’t accidents means you have learnt your lessons well?”

She greeted him with a pleasant smile and said, “Hi … how are you doing?”

“Apart from the pain due to the fractured wrist am fine I guess. Thank you.”

“Good” She said with a smile & sat on the chair next to the bed close to him. “Take ample rest okay. Don’t think of the past.” Saying this she joined her hand with his & looking at him she continued, “What happened is history. We all have to move on.” Not able to look at his eyes any longer she turned & spoke, “by the way did I introduce my fiancé Ajay to you?”

“Ajay, this is Jai; Jai this is Ajay”

CREDITS: Jai, Chinmayi Sripada, Miss. Andal