What will happen if i love you?

Usually the noise from the wrecked engine of my vintage bike (vintage for obvious reasons) would cut off any sound that wants to reach my ears. But today was not to be. I was up at 6am driving through I dono where, as my hands & spinal cord has given rest to my brain which is occupied with something more dear. The resounding tune of lab dub was all I could hear in my head, as my heart was racing past the speed of my bike filling it with blood and thoughts. It was just one thought; a dream; a dream I shouldn’t have had. As I always do when I get tensed – adjust my glasses with my forefinger, (it reminds me, all that is needed is a little push to fit in perfectly) I brought my finger to my face only to realize my naked eyes.

But that wasn’t the case on the eventful day. I got tensed & adjusted my specs. It is my opinion that for the onlooker it will seem as if I am cool. I also remember someone telling me, unexpected actions do catch the eyes of girls. It sure seemed to be a great way to lock eyes with the girl you want – I thought then. And then it happened: like a fresh air that comes all of a sudden after what would feel like eternal stillness, she walked into the marriage hall blurring everything around her. Like an angel in red saree she came through the door way into the hall and before I could comprehend, straight into my heart! Whoever said, “The bride is the most beautiful woman in her marriage”, should check her out. I decided its time to put to practice my concept. I looked straight at her as she was walking past me and adjusted the frame while clearing my throat. Darn! There goes the walking smiling result of my so called brilliant idea! But as she went past me, my hand automatically went for the frame again; reason? She was walking towards my mother!!! Of all the places, Good God, was this the place to get scolding? While I was scanning my mother’s face trying to decipher her mood, she caught hold of me starring at her and immediately called me over there.

When a girl looks at you, as you walk towards her, you will get the feeling of walking the aisle. To top it, I was actually walking the aisle where my cousin would be walking in sometime. I call it the “Reflex action” found only in guys. As I was walking towards the most attractive girl, my belly dug its grave inside my body & my chest tight by itself to project myself as THE MAN. With a smile that could very well be declared blushing I looked at her. Ah! The radiance! I gave a sigh leaving my breath out – for she took my breath away. The result; my belly came out. Wish I could change my body to how I was 3 months back. White collar job does affect your figure where it matters the most!

My mother quickly dragged me out of my dream.

“Don’t you remember your sister? Why are starring at her like that?”

Pop! My mother burst my dream with her designer hair clip.

“She is your Uncle Anand’s daughter.”

Phewh! I was scared for a second there. Thank you Uncle, for being related to me in such a way that, I could marry your daughter. But isn’t she 1 year older than me? Look Jai, one thing at a time.

“You forgot me?” She queered, bringing me back to the real world where am still her cousin. I looked around to see that my mother has left us alone. Mother you won’t be disappointed. Look how your son is going to spread his charm over her.

“Are you all right?? You have been starring at me for a long time now.”

“No … no … just …. Just recollecting the good old days” I managed. God only knows what I did with her back then. I hope I never called her sis. Nah! I was ripe as a seed itself.

“Isn’t it a pleasure to have a gorgeous face? You will be happy that all the eyes will rest on your face alone.”

“I will take that as a compliment” she replied with a smile. Wow! Flirting with relatives is the safest thing in this world.

Realizing something she while leaning forward to reach me started “Hey …” and while touching my arm she begin to continue to say something and then it happened again. The “Reflex action” found only in guys. I flexed my muscle to bring the triceps out. As the “C” shaped muscles came out, I could see a grin forming in her face forgetting what she wanted to say. And yes!!! Am on a roll today baby! It’s good that I did some muscles toning when I was jobless after college.

“Hey … okay … see” she begin suppressing her smile, “look I got to go now okay.” She paused which I later realized was for me to say something. Since I was dumbstruck she continued, “I have given my number to your mother. When you find time …?” she ended with a look that conveyed her unfinished sentence through face. Without waiting for a reply she turned and started walking towards the door. The swaying back!! ; like twin tablas wanting to be played. I could hear the non-existent music as each hip gets compressed by the sudden rush of muscles on either side. Music to the eyes! I then suddenly realized “Hey wont you come for the DJ night this eve?”

“Sure, will be your partner” she said with a smile and left.

Ram came into the bus sweating. “What happened?” I asked dropping my phone into my pocket. He signaled to look at my phone as he sat next to me. It said he had made 4 calls and 5 msgs all saying stop the bus, with increasing order of abuses suffixing each sms.

“Sorry dude, I was speaking with my girl about the Mayajaal trip we had.”

“What the …!?? You have a girl? You went on a date? ; that too, as far as Mayajaal?”

We guys are truly unique: moments ago he was this angry young man and then second later see how he is ready to take a scoop of my story.

“Yah … my cousin; met her after 9 years. We liked each other instantly …” “So who made the move” Ram jumped in.

“It wasn’t a clear move … I signaled her if she will come for the DJ night after the marriage & she said she will be my partner.”

“Whew … and you would have swept her away with your moves.”

“No … it was mostly dandiya kind of music on the guy’s side’s insistence.”

“So you were clapping with her using the sticks?” he chuckled. “Now that I imagine its funny you and miss So n So hitting the sticks.”

“Okay okay … it’s not entirely that. We have nice steps too. It was fun”

“Ffuunnnn … ahem … you had real fun?” he asked winking.

“Err … we were close … enough to hug” I said with a dreamy smile. I noticed he was all eyes on me. “okay okay … now you need not ask where was my hand at that time … but while we were at it, I whispered in her ear about the Mayajaal plan.”

“Smooth move boss! So Mayajaal would have been fun”

“Well, it did start that way; we went by my bike.”

“Your bike? Oh no! bad!!”

“It’s not that bad okay! Anyway we did snow bowling n all and before we were about to leave she said she is engaged”

“Hold it right there! You just now said she is your girl!”

“Yah …”

“But … then … HOW!”

“Look, I don’t wanna ruin what is happening right now with all the philosophy, right thing and all that shit … I know its not the correct thing to do … I want to live and love this moment” I said.

“Okay …” he said. He then smiled at me, maybe to show he can understand. But then he smiled again which broke into a grin and then he screamed “pap paba pa ba … dud u du … Unnai paartha pinbu naan, naan aaga illaye …” (link) and then declared with enthusiasm, “Dude you have become Ajith Kumar!” Though I was kinda excited that I was being compared with THE AJITH, I know deep down he was making fun. Yet I felt happy that it’s a moment to enjoy and not think of the worse.

I was reclining on my bike thinking how wrong I was. In front of me was Mayajaal, where it all materialized. It was not New Year yet, but I had resolved that when I would leave for home, I will leave behind the memories of her. I can’t say it was a good or bad dream for I hadn’t thought of it then. That was the last thing I wanted to do.

Having made my decision, with satisfaction I started my bike. Was it the cool air or the calm road, I felt relaxed. I saw people rarely coming in the opposite side and as usual, my eyes found many girls coming in coupe- a drop down one. Rich girls in Prosche; I wished life should be that cool to be enjoyed. “Oh come on you are again going back!!!” – I told myself. To distract myself I started observing the surroundings. On my right few hot girls in half saree were walking as a group. I slowed down to see that the ladies in saree were pretty too. They were walking into a hall. Curious, I saw the board that was kept near the entrance. People say when you are scared you won’t know what to do. I immediately closed my eyes. “Why? Why? Why did I read those 2 words?? … Okay calm down”. I took a deep breath; “better move out of this place!” I dono how I made that mistake but without looking behind I went into the highway only to have a date with Mr. Accident!

A girl was shouting, “Where is the sandal power sachet? This won’t be enough!! Look at the crowd. What will we do without sandal paste in a baby shower?”

“Okay Anitha don’t make a big fuss. The sachet was left behind in the changing room. Enough to use for your baby shower too … gasp … but for that someone should come near you rite?”

“Hey Divya …”, Anitha said

“Yah … tell”

“Look at Jai de … See how sincerely he is working for his ex-gf’s function”

Divya joined in, “Come on Jai, don’t stare at Anitha like that … she is telling the truth only na”

“What is this? a tit-for-tat? Anyway that is history. Shall we move on? By the way, I think you people are next to do the deed as a cousin …”

“See Divya, Jai wants to cut us short. What Jai? Can’t handle facts?”

“I can handle facts, but not you girls!”

“Come on, cheer up dude. After all you are the man of the day!”

“You should tell that to Ajay!”

“But he is abroad right …”

“So?”

“So you should take the responsibility”

“What are you people up to? Do you realize what you are saying!!?”

“Chill man … we know everything”

“Hold you horses okay … There was nothing serious between us!”

“Okay okay … no tension …”

“Hmmm …”

“So tell me Jai, what are the two names decided for the baby?”

“Ravi if a boy; Revathi if a girl”

“What do you think Jai? Will the baby be J.Ravi or J.Revathi?”

“SHUT UP!!!”

She bends down, pretending to bathe herself to purity before garlanding herself. She looks at herself with the eyes that had just moments before the bath, was enchanted by the beauty of the glimmering full moon on the auspicious day. She could see the garland that ought to be worn by the blue god. With a smile that will come only when your heart is filled with God, she prepares herself to describe the valor of Him through every part of her body.

She takes her right hand with the fore & middle finger pointed out (which in modern day could be interpreted with pride by certain sect as “V” for Vishnu) and brings them to her wide open eyes to symbolize the red eyes of Him. As she brings them closer she could only imagine the pair of eyes protected by spectacles that had mesmerized her, while the voice sings the line, “Paaror pukazha-p-pathinthul-el or empavaay”.(translation)

She stretch her hands out in the aramandi posture in sync with the line “paazhiyan thol utaip parpanaapan kaaiyil”(translation), her face that should have portrayed a gritter look, breaks into a smile because she could only remember the fat muscles that he was trying to project as fit ones on their first meet. What day it turned out to be! ; Especially the evening. She could still hear the music of his breathing as he waited for aeons to speak to her ears. And the sound of his heart beat, the only thing that she cared to hear sitting behind him on their way back from Mayajaal. She could still feel the hotness she felt that time even when cool air was flowing all over her.

She would have continued on with her dream if not for those precise words, “veppam kotukkum vimalaa thuyilezhaay …” (translation) And she woke up from her day dream. She pause the audio to relax and return to normalcy. After a while on being sure that she is fine, she rewinds the hymn and starts it again. With bright eyes & pleading face she raises her hand, requesting the Lord to wake up. As the line “Ceppenna men mulaic cev vaaye ciru marungkal ...”(translation) comes, her hands cuts through air forming the structure of ‘8’ and instead of pleading the Goddess to wake up, she brings both hands to feel the shape she had drawn in air. She then brings her hand to indicate the rosy lips. Call it instinct or realization, her eyes open up to reality and immediately gasping she closes her mouth with her raised hand. Perplexed, she walks towards the mirror to look at herself. What has she done? Was she falling for him? But she shouldn’t. This is not right. She loves Ajay and they are about to marry. She has to make a decision right now.

“ippothe emmai niraattu

El or empaavaay” (translation)

“Shut up!!”

“Jai … Jai … wake up … what happened?”

“Yeah …”

“Bad dream?”

“Yah ….” He could see his mother looking tensed. “Its okay ... just a bad dream … nothing serious.”

“Jai …” his mother replied, “you have guests”

Jai raised his heard to see who it was. He closed his eyes again and complained to himself, first in the form of bad dream, now in person! Don’t accidents means you have learnt your lessons well?”

She greeted him with a pleasant smile and said, “Hi … how are you doing?”

“Apart from the pain due to the fractured wrist am fine I guess. Thank you.”

“Good” She said with a smile & sat on the chair next to the bed close to him. “Take ample rest okay. Don’t think of the past.” Saying this she joined her hand with his & looking at him she continued, “What happened is history. We all have to move on.” Not able to look at his eyes any longer she turned & spoke, “by the way did I introduce my fiancé Ajay to you?”

“Ajay, this is Jai; Jai this is Ajay”

CREDITS: Jai, Chinmayi Sripada, Miss. Andal

U & I

“Hi there, my best friend”, Geetha was all smiles standing in front of Kunal.

“Phu pheu, what a figure!” Kunal blew a short whistle on witnessing the sight.

“Oh…” Geetha blushing with pride said “you noticed: I have been working out”.

“Not you fatso! Look there!!” Kunal pointed. Indeed a hot girl was taking her luggage from the bus and arranging them on the platform.

“Wow! ... the way she bends down to count each one of her bags … I did die to be one of them to get that view”.

“Enough Mr. Pervert, remember that you are talking to a girl! And also try to remember that our bus is in the next platform and it’s about to leave any minute now!!”

“Chill. Lets go, she is leaving anyways.”

On entering the bus Geetha asked, “hey Kunal…”

“Yah?”

“What’s our seat numbers?”

“Just a sec, let me check it out; hmm … it’s 21, 22”

“Ah! Here they are: a window seat and another aisle, so …”

“Don’t! even think about it …” Kunal exclaimed; pushing Geetha aside he continued “… the window seat is mine!” and dashed for the seat.

“Kids!!” Geetha remarked and settled down next to him.

“And how long do you intend to enjoy the beauty of void?” Geetha remarked, perplexed over Kunal’s silence today. “What happened to you today? Why are you quiet?”

“What? … oh … yah”

“Any problem?”

“No no … tell me”

“You are the extrovert here and you are asking me to speak?”

“No, I am such a gullible boy” Kunal chuckled.

“Hmmm … I c. Hey what gift did you buy for the wedding? Geetha asked trying to start a conversation.

“Actually, I thought why waste 5k on such trivial things, for our special friend deserves something with a personal touch” Kunal winked.

“Continue …”

“So …” started Kunal, with a smile that comes only when you explain something that you feel is ingenious and continued “I wrote a small piece on the couple, for them to cherish it for their lifetime.”

“WTF! Okay Mr. Father of Navajot Singh Sidhu, we don’t need a paper filled with all the words from Oxford Dictionary!”

“Hey, no personal damages okay! I did … err … buy a beautiful painting. But tell me, from when did you start listening to commentaries?”

“Why? I shouldn’t?”

“I thought you watch them only for the men in it” chuckled, Kunal.

“Shut up. I observe the match too okay.” Geetha in reply said with a blushing smile, then turning straight faced which later settled into a smile, she continued “ not like someone who is not fit enough to be the 16^th man!”

“Oye! I bowl well”

“And who will do the rest? Like say stopping the ball?”

“Do you want to know what the painting is all about or not?” Kunal demanded, attempting to direct the conversation into safer zone.

“Yah tell ... sorry”

“Hmm…” Kunal took out his cell showed her the photo of the painting. She had a weird look on her face while looking over the painting so he started describing it. “It’s basically a wonderful scenic location covered with greenery with a river that runs through the middle, dividing the land into two. There is a guy on one side of the shore and the girl at the other … waiting.”

After a long pause Geetha asked, “That’s it?”

“Why? Isn’t that enough?”

“You were talking about personal touch and all but …?”

“Ah!! Now this is where things get more exciting” With a smile which brings all the smartness to the fore, Kunal asked “what else do you see in the painting apart from what I just told you now?” She tried viewing at different angles, she even rotated the mobile in bizarre directions but Kunal cutting short her analysis said “Open your vision my dear just an open eye won’t do good. If you look at the left patch of land can you see that it resembles the shape of ‘7’?”

“Hmm… yah”

“Now look at the other patch … what do you see?”

“I don’t know. With all the trees I can’t fix my thought on something.”

If you notice properly, the river at one end flows in a near straight line, but the other shore which seems to look like down stream has many sub-rivers; exactly four.”

“Hey yah … like a ‘W’”

“Good. Now tell me … what’s the oldest saying for love?”

“Love is blind?”

“No, only you are! … Love is in the air! Okay… look at the clouds, do you see anything peculiar about it?”

“Well … there are two clouds; one is a disfigured circular cloud and then a … hey wait a minute, I get it. L-O-V-E”

“Finally!! The painting symbolizes love connects people even when they are separated by land.”

“What about – ‘the reach of love is beyond boundaries’?”

“Good to see my creation has many dimensions to it”

“Your creation?”

“Well yah … but the actual painting was done by a friend of mine. I gave the money as his remuneration btw.”

“Nice idea” said Geetha with a genuine smile. They both looked at each other again and a sleepish smile broke into each face as they went on into their own world.

Some other day, moments before sleep, the moment where the rambling thoughts that’s been swallowing your mind enters the dream form while you are still having control of your thoughts…

Am I loosing my senses? Why the hell am I trying her number for the “how many I donno”th time? So what if it’s her birthday – do I need to wish at midnight itself?

“Hi” What’s wrong with you! Can’t you pick your phone? Idiot! “Hey I was talking to a friend in landline… apparently he couldn’t get through my cell. It’s busy it seems, now I know why” Get lost. How dare you attend to someone else first! Goodbye! - Why does this happen only to me! Why? Why? Y? …?

Don’t you think that girl will be perfect for me? She seems to be a nice girl. What expressive eyes she has! She speaks intelligently too …But I donno, I feel there is something amiss … what do you say? “What do I have to say?” – A sweet voice said with a forced ignorance. “Only you should decide”

I can’t do it Geetha! - I told her with a heavy voice at the verge of breaking down. I can’t concentrate. How am I supposed to pass my exam tomorrow?

Calmly, the sweet voice said, “Look Kunal, you may have had great feelings for her but she is history. It’s not like she left you for a mistake of yours. It was because she didn’t understand you. You were the one who told her the truth that, when she came for you, you went along with a mixed feeling. But then after experiencing it and knowing her you really fell for her. What does she expect anyway? A Mr. Perfect? When a nice girl comes for you which guy won’t accede? Yet you only said maybe. Can’t she be happy that the person now is really hers? Anyway it’s over, so before your life gets over get your act together and start preparing! I will check on you every one hour!!”

Geetha broke the silence after what felt like hours and asked Kunal, “Have you ever thought this day will come in our lives? You just happened to scrap a junior, we chatted, one thing let to another and what do you know, we became friends; and all the while we didn’t meet”

“Yah, like an idiot I even had a crush on you during those days. To top it, I even convinced you that you had it on me”

“Yah…”

“But I won’t say it was a mistake. It was a genuine mutual interest after all. I had troubles with my ex and you like a guardian angel did console and counsel me. I do owe my sem marks to you, you know.”

“Hmm…”

“It’s good that, that episode was over in a matter of few days. Only after that we got close right?”

“Yah, close enough for you to not bother speaking about the curves of your classmate to me! Fatto! Speaking as if am some guy”

No no … I do know you are a girl”, Kunal passes for a moment to look way below her eyes and continues “that’s why I speak about yours too”

“Shut up! Aren’t you ashamed?”

“Why should I be ashamed when am speaking only with you? Anyways am not speaking something which you dono!”

“Always be ready with some answer!”

“Hey what’s your problem now? Reacting as if, it’s something new!”

“To tell you frankly, I am fed up of being taken for … granted.”

“What?”

“Nothing …”

“Hey!”

“hmm … I feel am being used up with no care in return for me.”

“Hey I don’t get you. Who is using you? Anyway don’t I care for you like no other person does? From listening to your cries and help solving your problems to practically checking on you every day after day after day; come-on I do care and I have been there for you always.”

“So was I and will do!”

“That’s what I am telling fool!”

“No Kunal, let’s not encourage this. It was mistake on my part. We were not meant to be like this; we are better off as friends. We are not in the right age to decide on this too. I feel this is the right decision.

Friends?” – saying this, a hand emerged from the sweet voice.

He raises his hand in the dark and reaches for something; it turns out to be the hand of Geetha resting on her lap. “Hey what happened” – Geetha asked, concerned.

“Plz, I feel better this way” – saying this, Kunal joined his hand to hers.

After the marriage:

“Kunal, where are you taking me now?”

“To a place untouched by human destruction in the queen of hills”, Kunal said, with a grin.

They arrive at a narrow path covered with greenery; a long pathway bordered by two mountains, rising as tapered walls to reach the peak. As they went into the path and moved forward the dew seemed to be increasing in intensity that the rocks felt soaked in water. The pathway too was getting water logged and it was turning difficult to find a safe area to keep the legs and move ahead. It later occurred to her after few more steps that it’s due to a small stream of water that’s running from the top. The water in the ground in that area seemed to be very high leaving only a small safe to proceed ahead. He let her go first. She crossed the running stream of water with a quick jump landed on the dry area and turned behind only to see him still standing there. He raised his hand pointing to something above her head. She turned back to see nothing. He gestured her to look by her side, towards the wall on which she was leaning on. She did notice the stream of water running down as before, but what caught her attention now was the bare rock in the middle of the stream. It looked like the water was being bifurcated at the middle in the form of ‘V’. The two streams of water did eventually join like a ‘V’ to run down as a single stream. But the shape it formed was striking. She looked at him, his arm fully stretched in an obtuse angle to his body, pointing to her and the striking image the stream was creating. She understood.

CREDITS: Selvaraghavan for AMAV, Baddeli

Misconceptions

“Hello who is this?” questioned Nakul.
“Am glad, at least you haven’t changed your number.” –a voice on the other side beamed.
“Sorry am bad in memory… may I know who this is?” Nakul replied irritated.
“I still remember the days you stood near my place wearing the only blue shirt you had...” stated the voice.
“It’s a girl alright, one of my crushes… vanitha? Deepika? Saakshi? Nah... They are all college crushes… hmm… She must be from my school days…” As Nakul was squeezing his tiny brain, the familiar voice broke the silence by chucklingly saying “Is your hair still facing the sky?” “Oh… it’s you… so how are you shylaja?” queried Nakul with a straight voice as usual, without expressing any element of surprise. “Yah am fine.” Shylaja replied and continued “Actually am back in Chennai now, so thought will catch up with all you people. Unfortunately only you haven’t changed your number…” “Unfortunately, as in?” -intervened Nakul. “Nothing. So if you are free why don’t we meet up by eve?” –suggested Shylaja. Nakul looked through his imaginary scheduler and thought of saying he is busy today, but decided against it. “Yah am game.” He heeded to her request.

Years together he was under her charm. Such was her aura that he failed to look deep into her heart. So blind was he in love with her, without knowing what really is love that he hoped she will reciprocate, for he was sure that his kind heart and his never ending love can win over her. But the last few days had opened his eyes that she may not after all understand him. Blame it on the glam world and the sweetness & romance that a Rahul or a Raj brings alive on the silver screen; she was determined to fall for them alone. Yet he couldn’t come over of her. So he decided to express his love; after all what is love without expressing it.

It was the summer that ensued the public exams, the last time they would meet. He decided now or never. Neither did he have a rose, nor a sugary letter; only three blurred out words. That said it all- he meant it all, hoping she might understand what it really means. He expected anger, fiery anger as she had rejected the most handsome guy of the class earlier. But what came was something more than that.
“What do you think of yourself? A romantic hero? Just like that you will come and propose and I have to accept? Who do you think I am!!”
She clamored like hell without giving any chance for Nakul to express himself. The summer, that dawned to dry off the lands, has dried the smile off this face forever. Dejected he started moving away from her. “Hey look… look I am sorry ok?”- Shylaja spoke “I was kinda not in the right sense of mind…”- trying to bring back normalcy. “Let’s not move on like this. Friends always?” saying this she gave her hand for friendship. Shaking hands, she smiled and said “Fine … bye.”

She never knew why she called him for a coffee. She was prepared for spending the evening alone, but he came- as normal as always. With a faint appearance of what could be termed a smile he greeted her. Taking the seat he straight away poured into the menu and asked, “So what shall we order?”
“I would like a cappuccino… what about you?”- She asked in turn.
“Can you make that two?”- He told the attender and as he walked away taking the order she gave a smile of approval and asked, “So how are you? Do you have contact with the rest?”
“Well…sort off. I have their numbers … but to tell you frankly not in close contact as such” –he stated.
“Oh… fine … we should all meet up once.”- Shylaja asserted.
“Yah sure…” -Nakul replied sure that, that wont happen. He then asked, “So tell me … what’s your story after school?”
“Well … I did my computer engg. and during the course fell in love with my classmate. So after completing MS I married him.” After a pause she continued, “Initially I was working, but after we got settled I left the job.”
“Nice … must be a hell lot of money offering job I guess” Nakul commented.
“Yah… so what about you?”- Shylaja prompted.
“I did my civil engg. and now working as designer. My work basically deals with designing the offices and high profile homes for the elite. Very tedious yet engaging job for the challenge it offers.” Nakul beamed.
“Then you must have racked up fortune by now”-Shylaja commented.
“Not exactly … I charge less when compared with my competitors. I take up only select projects which are not run of the mill, as I get bored easily even though I could multiply my customers and revenue with those projects.” And he added, “After all life is always not about money you know. It’s satisfaction that matters the most. Only that propels one further and not overflowing account.”
“What about your personal life?” seeing his bewildered look she corrected, “I mean, are you married or into any relationships?”
He replied, “Neither …” “… but why?” As she asked this, their eyes met and he immediately looked down and answered, “No one after … well leave it.” He ended. Both were in moments of silence recounting the past. The buzz sound of the phone brought them back.
“Excuse me; I have a call” – said Shylaja and answered the call, “Hello” “Hi honey, having a nice time with your friends?” without waiting for any reply from her he continued with his usual buttery style, “Anyways you know you ought to be at home by 6 right? Mama and Papa will not like it if you reach later. I am running late for the meeting, so …bye.” He hung up.
“Sorry… it was my husband”-Shylaja apologized while looking down in pretendence of keeping the phone back into her bag. While doing so, she removed a tissue paper and bent down to adjust her sandal, but instead touched her face with the tissue and then finally spoke.
“Yah … so are not into relationship… but you would have certain ideas about how your girl should be right?”
“Every guy has a dream and so do I. She must be someone who is independent in thinking...” All this while she was looking down, but when he mentioned ‘independent’ she immediately looked up. Nakul meanwhile in his own thoughts continued, “… you know I always like brave girls. And as for as matching is concerned, if she falls in love with me, everything else will follow suite.”
“But what about marriage?” – Shylaja asked, getting more interested by each passing second.
“See marriage I feel is an institution which can be run smoothly only if the couple sternly believe in the concept of better half. You may be a conservative introvert, but when it comes too your spouse, even if you cant say things as and when, you do have to share things ultimately at some point of time. Silence can retain love, but can’t sustain marriage.”
She intervened and asked, “Then do you think woman should go for work while her husband lends her support in every way possible?” She was very apprehensive about what he would reply.
“Obviously! With all due respect to you, I dono how you educated girls leave all your dreams and aspirations for marriage…”- he said.
Shylaja was watching his eyes the whole time seeing fiery passion in them all the while, combined with a smile at times like a passing shower bringing pleasantness to the atmosphere. “… as for as help is concerned, it should be mutual and equally shared: both mentally and physically. That’s where the romance between the couple lies. Which girl wouldn’t like a dream date where her husband in a Sunday morning cooks her favorite dish and then dine in a beautiful lonely garden, romancing.”
She prompted him question after question like a teacher examining a student trying to understand the person in front of her. Each question made her ask another and then another for which all he answered dutifully.

“See it all depends on…” “I know this is a boring job no matter how much I try to reinvent it. But it pays well and it promises more too…” “… how well you care for each other…” “Why are you worrying much about what I do? All you have to do is lay back in the house and enjoy everything I give you my dear” “… consoling, sharing …” “When am there to support you for life why do you need to work honey?” “… independent …” “a long holiday, all day at home and a wife to grant all my wish” “ … helping each other, mutual understanding …” “Hi honey, having a nice time with your friends? Anyways you know you ought to be at home by 6 right? Mama and Papa will not like it if you reach later. I am running late for the meeting, so …bye.”

“Sorry what were you saying?” – Shylaja asked coming back to her senses.
Nakul replied, “I was saying husband and wife should be like the sea waves and sand, the sea can roll over the sand how much ever it wants, draw the sand in and the beach looks beautiful until … until the sand mixes with the sea and spoils the beach.”
She looked at him and said, “Did you realize we have never spoken this much before?” and before he could think she asked, “What do you notice at the girl over there? That couple only”
Nakul gave a good glance at her and said, “Well… she looks young … from her dress, hair style, lip gloss and all, I could see she is trendy too…” glancing at the bag near her he continued, “she has a drafter too…. Could be an engineering student, may be even a first year… cell phone … look they are actually holding hands… settled now itself … Hmmm”
Shylaja said, “Do you know what I see?” and continued, “I see a girl with long hair- no coloring, dressed in traditional clothes, yet has everything that can be defined trendy … wealthy lifestyle … homemaker, cut off from the world of knowledge and knows only doing chores for the people she loves.” Saying this she stood up and walked past the gates her hair dancing to the tunes of her swaying sari end.

Unable to comprehend what just happened, Nakul pays the bill and stood up. A msg beeps in his mobile.

“I wish I could go back in time when you said those three words.”


CREDITS: Hum Tum, Bachna e hasino, An article titled "the new tamil cinema"

ON TO THE FEET OF

Darkness is an intriguing phenomenon, because it helps us to find sanity easily. I am in search of light; a ray of hope, a vision as to what happened to me. In darkness I recollect for the nth time what might have happened.

“The gravitational force present in the earth causes ….cause…es … the sun’s rays to be reflected by the pen.” Hmmm…. This was the third time I was getting distracted that day. Was it the sound of the fan? Or was it because I was more captivated by better things; like a streak of light that can be produced by tilting my glass pen through various angles? I decided to give up studying for awhile and go for the.. the thing that needed more attention then.

I was sitting in a dark room which was bestowed by a single ray of light to aid my study. I took my pen near the bright ray expecting to produce a shimmering ray which would brighten up the entire room, but I saw only a wide divergence. I shifted my attention to its destination. As I slowly rotated my pen I was able to view my uninteresting treasures in a new light. Be it the writing pad, the alarm clock, the bedspread or the poster (which I don’t like much) on my calendar, there was something disturbingly distinct about them. The anxiety I garnered through them, made me to rotate the pen frantically to explore further. Like a spark of light that comes just before the moon completely eclipses the sun, I saw brightness allover as I faced the light. I closed my eyes to protect myself from the exuberant rays.

Slowly I opened them only to see darkness engulf the brightness, I witnessed moments ago. Everywhere I turned I saw only gloominess. It was like being in the black hole. As I slowly adjusted my pupils I saw a faint ray of light. I closed in on it with caution, to see it transform into a beam of light showing a path upwards. I crept to the top with at most prudence, only to be blinded by brightness again.

Slowly I opened my eyes to see brightness allover. There was something vaguely familiar about the light. I raised my eyebrows to see the source only to notice everything blue. In the world of blue I found the sun gracefully hanging to give me hope. With this redeemed hope I observed the environment I was in. The blue world became the sky and the ocean. I then noticed I was sitting on sand under a coconut tree. Gaining confidence I finally decided to take a walk. As I moved few metres away from the tree, I took a look at it again. The tree covering the sun looked distinctly different. Even while I was immersed in deep thoughts, even in sound of the waves meeting the land, I was able to hear something approaching at frantic pace. Like a giant wave rising from the ocean, the serpent raised its head to attack me. I began to run, for I didn’t have any other option; I also saw a giant bird approaching us. Hoping it would save me I started to run towards the bird which was landing near a hole. The place where the bird was standing, which then looked like a small hole now started opening further as the serpent started closing in on the gap between us. Thinking that the giant bird will save me I fixed my eyes on it’s and started running towards it. There was something in those eyes which tried to convey something. Before I could understand that, a drop of liquid fell on my head. I looked above to see the source, only to see the mammoth mouth of the serpent open. It was darkness all over again.

Experiencing the pitch black darkness again, I searched for a way to get out of this mess. I found the same path leading me to the beach again. The serpent was quick this time. As I started to run again to a different path, the giant bird blocked the path. It was ordering me to try the same path again, by its action. Without any option I turned back. The serpent opened its mouth and so did the earth; it was darkness again.

Darkness is an intriguing phenomenon, because it helps us to find sanity easily. I was in search of light; a ray of hope, a vision as to what happened to me. In darkness I recollected for the nth time what might have happened.

Unsuccessful all while to figure what was happening I tried a new approach. I went for everything odd I noticed till then. There was a streak of light, then a glowing tree, a giant serpent and bird and the dark cave off course. What was the bird trying to tell me? Why does it want me to come back here? I figured it wants to save me, but how will I be saved if I fall? Is there something here? What is it about the tree that feels so odd? I felt I had seen it before. Then it struck me. My room!!! Off course!! Why didn’t I remember it then?! The tree, the bird, the snake all were the objects that were exposed to the light from his pen and… and so am I!! Some how, all of us had been transported into a new dimension? The bird I felt is the key to all the mystery. If I could understand what it was trying to say?

Desperate to know answers I reached the beach again. Noticing the bird I went for it faster than anyone ever existed. I was amazed by the strength I was gaining and the pace too. As I was only inches away from the bird and the serpent, I heard a sound for the first time; a distant muffle to be precise. It was coming from the eyes of the bird. I was astounded to the least, that I can understand a person’s thought through their eyes. What is happening to me? Before I could find answer, the serpent opened its mouth, but something was telling me to endure the pain; not to run; sacrifice; not to be afraid. I stood still calmly. As the mouth closed on me the ground opened and I took a fall, an endless fall into the darkness again.

It was darkness allover again. What is it that is expected of me? What am I supposed to do? I found the answer soon. As I moved from the place I landed I found wall for the first time. Hanging on the wall was a metal. It was a sword. I took the sword and went for the light again. This time the serpent came to me as soon as I got out. Without second thought I inserted the sword on the body of the serpent. Before I could blink, the body of the serpent shattered into a million pieces.

I was baffled as to what is to be done. Was this the end? Will I be back to my room? Giving me no time to think, the giant bird grabbed my shoulder using its claws and took me towards the sun. I closed my eyes owing to the brightness.

The wind which was flowing on me stopped suddenly. Wondering if we had reached wherever the bird intended to reach, I opened my eyes. It was white allover. By Instinct I looked at the floor; it was also white. I wondered if its snow. But it wasn’t freezing out there. There was still a cool breeze which calmed my mind. I somehow felt serene.

I turned my attention towards the bird which brought me here. “Where am I? And what is this place?” I asked looking straight at the eyes.

The bird calmly looked at me. I again got the feeling that this bird is trying to communicate through its eyes. Before I could comprehend it I heard the same muffled voice from those pair of eyes. “You are here because you wanted to know if this exists. Secretly, you desperately longed to be seeing this. You chose to come here.”

I was wondering if I was dumb fold because I was hearing voice from its eyes or because I couldn’t remember me wanting to come here if at all I knew what this place is in the first place! “Can u please tell me where am I before you start your “as you know” tale?”

“I believe you realized now how you were able to come here with us.” The bird told slowly.

“Yes. I figured that out. The light from the pen brought us here.” I told recollecting my understandings.

“Perfect. Now for the fact you don’t know. The pen when you rotated produced a circle of light with the ray of light which fell on it, extracting enough power from here to the pen resulting in drawing all the objects its rays fell on, to here.” The bird explained.

Unable to take all those facts I asked, “What exactly do you mean by here? Where am I?”

The bird calmly replied, “Your inner self knows it, wait for it to explain to you. Now, let’s go back to the part where I left. As you are a person who questions a lot, before you are allowed to see wanted you wanted to see, I used the serpent you brought here to play a game with you. It was a game to test you; test your endurance, your ability to infer, your ability to take pain. You proved those qualities are with you so I brought you here.” Telling this the bird raised it feathers to levitate. As it rose a door stood up to the height the bird rose. It was a door made of something shiny. I realized it was gold. Before the bird flew away it said, “You will see what you seek in there.”

I decided to see what giant bird feels I wanted to see. Am not sure if the door heard my mind, but as soon as I thought that, the door opened revealing another. As I walked through the open door, the closed door opened. It revealed another closed door. I crossed seven door to be precise to see what I was supposedly longing to see. For no reason, I was looking at the floor while leaving the last door. As I raised my head the giant serpent I killed was relaxing there. There was something on the snake which I couldn’t identify. Yet there was this distinctly different feel to something that the thing was having. Then I realized, it looked liked my pen producing a circle or to be precise a disc of light or was it the coconut tree I saw there? Slowly I studied the features of the thing that was seated on the serpent. It’s the poster with the disc rotating on its finger.

Credits: Hindu mythology

THE JOURNAL

“Mr. Schindler?” a servant entered my room. “Sir, Ms. Emile is here.” “Oh that’s great. Serve her something cold. I’ll be there in few minutes.” I replied whilst going through my papers and typing a letter. “Sir, I am afraid you need to be there immediately. On the contrary to your belief, neither is she in the waiting room nor did she come on her own.” He didn’t have any expressions the whole time. I silently watched him. Seeing my silence he continued “you see sir, she was brought to your rest room by her friend who saw her faint at work today morning. She is conscious now but not at her usual best.” His words trailed away to silence in the room barring the sound of the typewriter.

I took my coat and walked towards the rest room. It was a small room with just one bed and a chair placed perpendicular to it. Being a lover of loneliness, I wanted the room to be that way. As I drew the chair near her I could see the eye lids move to show a pair of eyes which will always remain in my memory until death. “Why don’t you sit here by my side?” She sounded polite with a smile, while her hands were suggestive by directing me to the place near her; but her eyes were pleading. As I moved to the place near her, she rested her head on my lap and immediately those eyes gave a calm look and in moments she was asleep. People we know used to say Emile doesn’t have expressive eyes. I silently smile at them for their inability to look through those eyes. Deep down I know and had realized their expressiveness. It had always shown me her innermost thoughts. I have seen excitement, anxiety, enjoyment, calmness, sadness, peace, and stress in those eyes. These are some of the emotions that a human being experiences. Courage, bravery and willingness have always been the traits of her. They form her strength and weakness. This is one of the main reasons for her to be here.

“Hey give me 1 shot too” these words were said in excitement. What started as “just to taste” turned socializing and now she has reached a stage where it has become a ritual. Every morning I wake from the same dream, the dream in which she faints. Whenever am alone or I see God, she comes to my mind. Am I becoming a good guy by treating this as a mistake? Do I think this as a cultural shock? A big NO comes as the answer. Because deep down I know I have given many cultural shocks to people around me, also this has become common mistake now. May be am a hypocrite. No, I just have an aversion towards it and I want it to be the same for everyone around me. Am I being selfish? Why should I not be? No I can’t as I can’t control everyone’s desire and interests. After all I am not a Gandhi or a Buddha to advice everyone what is right or wrong. I can never become one, as I too have sins. Why does it bother me then? Because I don’t want to have the same dream, because I don’t want to see those eyes faint whenever am alone, because I don’t want to be distracted, because I feel sometimes I too have a heart. Does this attitude of mine change the feeling I have for her? No, because it’s only the mind that gets angry not the heart. As Gandhi used to say, it is only the wrong deeds, I hate of a person not the person on the whole. Why don’t I just neglect this issue? Will I then not fulfill my duty as a friend? What am I supposed to do?

EMOTIONAL DREAMS

i always believed dreams make life.when people reflect your imagination;your thoughts and your emotions, they become your voice. one such voice is haunting me today.

"f**ker, why the hell are you sitting in my seat?" screamed Sreeker.
"am sorry. am new here." apologized the boy.
"oh!!... fresher.... hey Ram look who we have here." said Sreeker with a mischievous smile.
"oh boy o boy! that smile sure means someone is going to be in trouble now!" winked Ram towards the junior.
"kiddo you made a big mistake."
"Am sorry senior. what should i do to calm you down?" he was pleading.
"trying to be a nice guy here is it??... hmmm... lets change him Ram." smiled Sreeker." hey kiddo i want you to go to that girl wearing specs there. can you see her? " " that senior??" " yah her. ask her how much she charges!".

that was us a few years back, when we became seniors.
"Sreeker how is it going man? heard you broke up!" Ram was straight.
"yah!! that b*h was in a lip lock with another guy when i went to her place."
"GIRLS!! know what? its your fault. you give so much of yourself to a girl without knowing whether she is worth all that."
"chuck it. she is history. i heard a beautiful girl has shifted to your apartment today. who is she?" Sreeker quizzed.
"you will never change!!" Ram laughed.

people never know who is going to change their life. but i know Sreeker ll be changed by a girl. the only problem here is that i didn't know who that girl is.

"its Sarada! she is the one." blushed Sreeker.
"well... then go and tell her?!!". Ram suggested."but ...she doesn't like me."Sreeker face shrunk as he said. its true; Sarada didn't like him. neither me obviously. but she is a good girl, or that is what i heard.

the next day , while she was cleaning her bike Sreeker went towards her and spoke his heart out in the most romantic way possible!

"do you know that i love romance? can we have romance?"

we had a long way to go!!

Sreeker used to say eyes are the deciding factor for a girl. he was always in praise of Sarada's eyes. unknowingly those eyes brought out a change in him. i was the silent observer here. seeing through his changes. in no time he turned from a rogue into a gentleman. the power of love was evident here. but i was afraid of this power. it can make or break a heart.

the time had come. it was the important day of Sreeker's life. the day he was going to propose to her. i made sure everything was perfect for him. the location i chose was a pool side banquet cum dance party to welcome the new year. he was to meet her on the stage setup over the pool with the glittering lights brightening up her face. at the stroke of midnight looking at those gorgeous eyes he was to say to her
" you are the 1st person am talking to this year. will you be the 1st person i see when i wake up every morning? will you marry me?"
we both remarked with a smile that it couldn't get more beautiful than this.

as per plan we arrived there. i let him take the limelight by staying away form the pool. after all its his big day. there they were dancing towards each other. the charisma they had. man!! they will make a great couple.

sometimes unexplained things happen at unexpected time. this was one such time. as Sarada and Sreeker was nearing each other the DJ called everyone beside the pool to join the stage. in a few moments may couples started for the stage. i decided to stay out as Sreeker ll be embarrassed if i am around. Suddenly strange sounds were reaching my ears.

things are destined to happen as it was to be. in a second the whole stage fell apart as the pillars supporting the stage gave away. everyone who took the stage were taken into the fifteen feet deep water. but they didn't matter to me. all i could think of was a way to find Sarada. my heart beat rose. i pushed my way through the pullings hands of the people who are experiencing the last moments of their lives.

there i saw her clenching a wooden plank fighting to stay above water. i took bigger strokes with desperation. sometimes desperation play spoil sport.

there i saw Sreeker taking bigger strokes trying to reach Sarada. but suddenly he lost momentum and slowed. something was out of place.i couldn't see a thing. my heart was beating very fast.

the desperation was so high that my heart started beating very fast. my vision was becoming dull. all i could see was a drop of tear coming out of Sarada's eyes. my eye sight blurred.

"your son Ram is well now. all his vital organs are perfectly functioning. he ll be up as a normal guy in a week or so. he seemed to have had a slight attack while swimming to save the people trapped in the pool. though its odd its not unknown off. from what you had said about him, i believe he is a reserved person keeping everything to himself. i suppose that has triggered the attack at this very young age. but he is a physically fit person. he can stay so by doing some mental exercise. " the doctor assured.

"how long am i here?" i asked seeing the nurse. "you are here for the past 1 week Sir." replied the nurse dutifully. saying this she took a glass and poured water in to it. the strange sound of water brought back disturbing memories to me.

as i was swimming towards Sarada i remember losing control of myself. i also was able to see a guy coming towards Sarada. he wasn't able to reach her as he lost control. Eventually he nearly drowned. i remember seeing the beautiful eyes of Sarada going into the pool as i lost my control. i replayed those memories again.

This couldn't be possible!!

Slowly i recollected the happenings of the past 1 year.

"f**ker, why the hell are you sitting in my seat?" i said that to the junior!

"Sreeker how is it going man? heard you broke up!" i spoke these words!!

"do you know that i love romance? can we have romance?" i said that to Sarada!!!

how could this be possible??!!??.

in a revelation i understood everything. but how? how is this... this theory possible?

the door opened and the nurse came in. i looked at her and asked"who am i??" even before she said my name i know who i am. am Ram according to my friend Sreeker. am Sreeker according to my lover Sarada and am Ram according to my parents.

credit: the movie fight club.

IT'S OVER

"ITS OVER Jinnah! i think we have to break up. there is no other choice" said Shylaja. "but we can work it out. i agree your parents are strict and you cant go against them. i will never ask you to do so. you know that very well." Jinnah was pleading. "no! i cant go on with this relationship of ours because am well aware that my parents wont accept us. its over Jinnah. am sorry." Shylaja was straight. "then why the hell did you accept my proposal? when i proposed you i said we shall work out all our problems together. you agreed then. what happened now? am i a time pass for you? was it just a crush which has now vanished ? why are you doing this to me Shylaja?!!?! "cried Jinnah. " i love you Jinnah but i was wrong. its my mistake. i shouldn't have accepted your proposal. i have realized that we cant sort things out. i don't have the courage to face my parents. am sorry." Shylaja replied. saying this she walked from the table leaving behind only tears.it was raining outside. but it didn't bother her. she was completely drenched when she reached her bike. those tearful eyes saw her leave from the table , from the hotel ,from his life.

"wet she was all over; yet her heart is dry!!"
Jinnah thought to himself. a drop of tear fell from his eyes.

" dont cry Jinnah". it was Shylaja , Jinnah's colleague. she is new to his office. "i know you have gone through a lot. though you are my boss, as a friend am worried about you. we need you back. i need you back. i want the Jinnah who is ever sweet and caring. who has always stood by my side from day 1 here. past is something that should be kept past out thoughts. i don't want you to forget them but in the same time not think about them. you may not be great now. but for you to become great you need to start. so fight so hard that even fate accepts its defeat!" she saw his eyes undergo drastic changes as she spoke to him. she had always loved looking at his eyes. it had always been expressive. his stare was always infectious. she fell for them on the 1st day of her work.

" thanks Shylaja. i owe you 1." Jinnah replied bringing her back from her thoughts. he turned his eyes towards hers. looked straight at her. " i had been trying to say something for a long time now. because of this problem i couldn't bring myself to ....well you know." his eyes WAS trying hard to look at her. he was afraid to look at her " what ll she think of me? don't do this Jinnah." " well say anything you want. i wont feel bad even if you are going to disgrace me .after all you wont say anything to that extreme ; wont you?" she smiled saying that " God!! why should she smile now??!??!! i can never escape from that smile of hers " "Shylaja ? ...err.. ahem .... what will be your reaction if i say i wanna spend the rest of my life with you? " she opened her mouth to say something but he hurried and added " before you say anything i wanna say few things. we are very good friends , yet whenever i talk to you i feel something more than friendship evolving. the comfort and peace i get when you are around is something i don't wanna miss. yes am selfish and an idiot. idiotic enough to love a person who's parents will never accept love marriage. i know am not a great guy. but i can try to be a good guy. i will...." "before you say anything further you should remember that i have always had a liking for Venkat. i can't forget him." Shylaja countered.

" i know and i know that you are trying to forget him. i have no right to force you. all am saying is am willing to wait for you. you are going to marry someone; why cant that be me? you have lots of years to think over it .am waiting. " Jinnah shed a drop of tears as he said this.

"why did she do this to me? i loved her more than myself, still i love her" "love.... love....

" i love you Jinnah." Shylaja said taking a seat opposite to him. there was a faint smile in her lips but her eyes showed a different story.before he could react she ensued " but don't start dreaming and enjoying yourself now. we have to face a lot of problems. my mother is understanding but that doesn't mean she ll accept us. and my father oh.... he is averse to love. we have to wait for a few years before we can talk about this to them. till then we shouldn't be seen socializing. do u know ? ..am not comfortable when around guys. you are the only guy i have been close to. but that doesn't mean i ll go out with you. and no ro-ma-nc.." before she could finish the word he leaned forward and kissed her.

" ha ha ha..." it was the laughter out of sadness. "am not comfortable when around guys." "cheater!" "you are the only guy i have been close to." "all lies! how can these girls speak so much lies? she faked her character. she boasted of the traits that weren't of hers!! she ..she..she..."

"I am sorry Jinnah. i am not the girl for you. i can't forget Venkat. last week he came back from banglore. after seeing him only i realized how much i loved him." Shylaja looked straight at Jinnah's eyes and broke the news. "I cant love you when i still have place for someone else in my heart. when i accepted your proposal i was in a dilemma. i did love you but i also liked him. i cannot be true to you Jinnah. it would be like cheating you. and even if you say you are going to wait for me i cant face my parents. Its over Jinnah! i think we have to break up. there is no other choice" said Shylaja. "but we can work it out. i agree your parents are strict and you cant go against them. i will never ask you to do so. you know that very well." Jinnah was pleading. "no! i cant go on with this relationship of ours because am well aware that my parents wont accept us. its over Jinnah. am sorry." Shylaja was straight. "then why the hell did you accept my proposal? when i proposed you i said we shall work out all our problems together. you agreed then. what happened now? am i a time pass for you? was it just a crush which has now vanished? why are you doing this to me Shylaja?!!?! "cried Jinnah. " i love you Jinnah but i was wrong. its my mistake. i shouldn't have accepted your proposal. i have realized that we cant sort things out. i don't have the courage to face my parents. am sorry." saying this she walked out of the table. Jinnah saw the chair before him and slowly closed his eyes. because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt by heart. he wanted to remember her voice, feel her presence, the chair on which she was sitting the 1st time he saw her. the same chair when he proposed her. the same table when he kissed and finally the same place where she broke up with him today. she might have gone but her memories will always be with him.

[girr]...[phone vibrating] " hello? yah... temme man. assignment? yah its over. Shylaja is over. did yu get enough info about Kavitha? "


CREDITS : KAMAL HASSAN n ILLAYARAJA for the song"ne partha paarvai oru nandri" from the film -'HEY RAM'