Sunday, August 3, 2008


Darkness is an intriguing phenomenon, because it helps us to find sanity easily. I am in search of light; a ray of hope, a vision as to what happened to me. In darkness I recollect for the nth time what might have happened.

“The gravitational force present in the earth causes ….cause…es … the sun’s rays to be reflected by the pen.” Hmmm…. This was the third time I was getting distracted that day. Was it the sound of the fan? Or was it because I was more captivated by better things; like a streak of light that can be produced by tilting my glass pen through various angles? I decided to give up studying for awhile and go for the.. the thing that needed more attention then.

I was sitting in a dark room which was bestowed by a single ray of light to aid my study. I took my pen near the bright ray expecting to produce a shimmering ray which would brighten up the entire room, but I saw only a wide divergence. I shifted my attention to its destination. As I slowly rotated my pen I was able to view my uninteresting treasures in a new light. Be it the writing pad, the alarm clock, the bedspread or the poster (which I don’t like much) on my calendar, there was something disturbingly distinct about them. The anxiety I garnered through them, made me to rotate the pen frantically to explore further. Like a spark of light that comes just before the moon completely eclipses the sun, I saw brightness allover as I faced the light. I closed my eyes to protect myself from the exuberant rays.

Slowly I opened them only to see darkness engulf the brightness, I witnessed moments ago. Everywhere I turned I saw only gloominess. It was like being in the black hole. As I slowly adjusted my pupils I saw a faint ray of light. I closed in on it with caution, to see it transform into a beam of light showing a path upwards. I crept to the top with at most prudence, only to be blinded by brightness again.

Slowly I opened my eyes to see brightness allover. There was something vaguely familiar about the light. I raised my eyebrows to see the source only to notice everything blue. In the world of blue I found the sun gracefully hanging to give me hope. With this redeemed hope I observed the environment I was in. The blue world became the sky and the ocean. I then noticed I was sitting on sand under a coconut tree. Gaining confidence I finally decided to take a walk. As I moved few metres away from the tree, I took a look at it again. The tree covering the sun looked distinctly different. Even while I was immersed in deep thoughts, even in sound of the waves meeting the land, I was able to hear something approaching at frantic pace. Like a giant wave rising from the ocean, the serpent raised its head to attack me. I began to run, for I didn’t have any other option; I also saw a giant bird approaching us. Hoping it would save me I started to run towards the bird which was landing near a hole. The place where the bird was standing, which then looked like a small hole now started opening further as the serpent started closing in on the gap between us. Thinking that the giant bird will save me I fixed my eyes on it’s and started running towards it. There was something in those eyes which tried to convey something. Before I could understand that, a drop of liquid fell on my head. I looked above to see the source, only to see the mammoth mouth of the serpent open. It was darkness all over again.

Experiencing the pitch black darkness again, I searched for a way to get out of this mess. I found the same path leading me to the beach again. The serpent was quick this time. As I started to run again to a different path, the giant bird blocked the path. It was ordering me to try the same path again, by its action. Without any option I turned back. The serpent opened its mouth and so did the earth; it was darkness again.

Darkness is an intriguing phenomenon, because it helps us to find sanity easily. I was in search of light; a ray of hope, a vision as to what happened to me. In darkness I recollected for the nth time what might have happened.

Unsuccessful all while to figure what was happening I tried a new approach. I went for everything odd I noticed till then. There was a streak of light, then a glowing tree, a giant serpent and bird and the dark cave off course. What was the bird trying to tell me? Why does it want me to come back here? I figured it wants to save me, but how will I be saved if I fall? Is there something here? What is it about the tree that feels so odd? I felt I had seen it before. Then it struck me. My room!!! Off course!! Why didn’t I remember it then?! The tree, the bird, the snake all were the objects that were exposed to the light from his pen and… and so am I!! Some how, all of us had been transported into a new dimension? The bird I felt is the key to all the mystery. If I could understand what it was trying to say?

Desperate to know answers I reached the beach again. Noticing the bird I went for it faster than anyone ever existed. I was amazed by the strength I was gaining and the pace too. As I was only inches away from the bird and the serpent, I heard a sound for the first time; a distant muffle to be precise. It was coming from the eyes of the bird. I was astounded to the least, that I can understand a person’s thought through their eyes. What is happening to me? Before I could find answer, the serpent opened its mouth, but something was telling me to endure the pain; not to run; sacrifice; not to be afraid. I stood still calmly. As the mouth closed on me the ground opened and I took a fall, an endless fall into the darkness again.

It was darkness allover again. What is it that is expected of me? What am I supposed to do? I found the answer soon. As I moved from the place I landed I found wall for the first time. Hanging on the wall was a metal. It was a sword. I took the sword and went for the light again. This time the serpent came to me as soon as I got out. Without second thought I inserted the sword on the body of the serpent. Before I could blink, the body of the serpent shattered into a million pieces.

I was baffled as to what is to be done. Was this the end? Will I be back to my room? Giving me no time to think, the giant bird grabbed my shoulder using its claws and took me towards the sun. I closed my eyes owing to the brightness.

The wind which was flowing on me stopped suddenly. Wondering if we had reached wherever the bird intended to reach, I opened my eyes. It was white allover. By Instinct I looked at the floor; it was also white. I wondered if its snow. But it wasn’t freezing out there. There was still a cool breeze which calmed my mind. I somehow felt serene.

I turned my attention towards the bird which brought me here. “Where am I? And what is this place?” I asked looking straight at the eyes.

The bird calmly looked at me. I again got the feeling that this bird is trying to communicate through its eyes. Before I could comprehend it I heard the same muffled voice from those pair of eyes. “You are here because you wanted to know if this exists. Secretly, you desperately longed to be seeing this. You chose to come here.”

I was wondering if I was dumb fold because I was hearing voice from its eyes or because I couldn’t remember me wanting to come here if at all I knew what this place is in the first place! “Can u please tell me where am I before you start your “as you know” tale?”

“I believe you realized now how you were able to come here with us.” The bird told slowly.

“Yes. I figured that out. The light from the pen brought us here.” I told recollecting my understandings.

“Perfect. Now for the fact you don’t know. The pen when you rotated produced a circle of light with the ray of light which fell on it, extracting enough power from here to the pen resulting in drawing all the objects its rays fell on, to here.” The bird explained.

Unable to take all those facts I asked, “What exactly do you mean by here? Where am I?”

The bird calmly replied, “Your inner self knows it, wait for it to explain to you. Now, let’s go back to the part where I left. As you are a person who questions a lot, before you are allowed to see wanted you wanted to see, I used the serpent you brought here to play a game with you. It was a game to test you; test your endurance, your ability to infer, your ability to take pain. You proved those qualities are with you so I brought you here.” Telling this the bird raised it feathers to levitate. As it rose a door stood up to the height the bird rose. It was a door made of something shiny. I realized it was gold. Before the bird flew away it said, “You will see what you seek in there.”

I decided to see what giant bird feels I wanted to see. Am not sure if the door heard my mind, but as soon as I thought that, the door opened revealing another. As I walked through the open door, the closed door opened. It revealed another closed door. I crossed seven door to be precise to see what I was supposedly longing to see. For no reason, I was looking at the floor while leaving the last door. As I raised my head the giant serpent I killed was relaxing there. There was something on the snake which I couldn’t identify. Yet there was this distinctly different feel to something that the thing was having. Then I realized, it looked liked my pen producing a circle or to be precise a disc of light or was it the coconut tree I saw there? Slowly I studied the features of the thing that was seated on the serpent. It’s the poster with the disc rotating on its finger.

Credits: Hindu mythology

Thursday, June 26, 2008


“Mr. Schindler?” a servant entered my room. “Sir, Ms. Emile is here.” “Oh that’s great. Serve her something cold. I’ll be there in few minutes.” I replied whilst going through my papers and typing a letter. “Sir, I am afraid you need to be there immediately. On the contrary to your belief, neither is she in the waiting room nor did she come on her own.” He didn’t have any expressions the whole time. I silently watched him. Seeing my silence he continued “you see sir, she was brought to your rest room by her friend who saw her faint at work today morning. She is conscious now but not at her usual best.” His words trailed away to silence in the room barring the sound of the typewriter.

I took my coat and walked towards the rest room. It was a small room with just one bed and a chair placed perpendicular to it. Being a lover of loneliness, I wanted the room to be that way. As I drew the chair near her I could see the eye lids move to show a pair of eyes which will always remain in my memory until death. “Why don’t you sit here by my side?” She sounded polite with a smile, while her hands were suggestive by directing me to the place near her; but her eyes were pleading. As I moved to the place near her, she rested her head on my lap and immediately those eyes gave a calm look and in moments she was asleep. People we know used to say Emile doesn’t have expressive eyes. I silently smile at them for their inability to look through those eyes. Deep down I know and had realized their expressiveness. It had always shown me her innermost thoughts. I have seen excitement, anxiety, enjoyment, calmness, sadness, peace, and stress in those eyes. These are some of the emotions that a human being experiences. Courage, bravery and willingness have always been the traits of her. They form her strength and weakness. This is one of the main reasons for her to be here.

“Hey give me 1 shot too” these words were said in excitement. What started as “just to taste” turned socializing and now she has reached a stage where it has become a ritual. Every morning I wake from the same dream, the dream in which she faints. Whenever am alone or I see God, she comes to my mind. Am I becoming a good guy by treating this as a mistake? Do I think this as a cultural shock? A big NO comes as the answer. Because deep down I know I have given many cultural shocks to people around me, also this has become common mistake now. May be am a hypocrite. No, I just have an aversion towards it and I want it to be the same for everyone around me. Am I being selfish? Why should I not be? No I can’t as I can’t control everyone’s desire and interests. After all I am not a Gandhi or a Buddha to advice everyone what is right or wrong. I can never become one, as I too have sins. Why does it bother me then? Because I don’t want to have the same dream, because I don’t want to see those eyes faint whenever am alone, because I don’t want to be distracted, because I feel sometimes I too have a heart. Does this attitude of mine change the feeling I have for her? No, because it’s only the mind that gets angry not the heart. As Gandhi used to say, it is only the wrong deeds, I hate of a person not the person on the whole. Why don’t I just neglect this issue? Will I then not fulfill my duty as a friend? What am I supposed to do?

Sunday, March 16, 2008


i always believed dreams make life.when people reflect your imagination;your thoughts and your emotions, they become your voice. one such voice is haunting me today.

"f**ker, why the hell are you sitting in my seat?"
screamed Sreeker.
"am sorry. am new here." apologized the boy.
"oh!!... fresher.... hey Ram look who we have here." said Sreeker with a mischievous smile.
"oh boy o boy! that smile sure means someone is going to be in trouble now!" winked Ram towards the junior.
"kiddo you made a big mistake."
"Am sorry senior. what should i do to calm you down?"
he was pleading.
"trying to be a nice guy here is it??... hmmm... lets change him Ram." smiled Sreeker." hey kiddo i want you to go to that girl wearing specs there. can you see her? " " that senior??" " yah her. ask her how much she charges!".

that was us a few years back, when we became seniors.
"Sreeker how is it going man? heard you broke up!" Ram was straight.
"yah!! that b*h was in a lip lock with another guy when i went to her place."
"GIRLS!! know what? its your fault. you give so much of yourself to a girl without knowing whether she is worth all that."
"chuck it. she is history. i heard a beautiful girl has shifted to your apartment today. who is she?"
Sreeker quizzed.
"you will never change!!" Ram laughed.

people never know who is going to change their life. but i know Sreeker ll be changed by a girl. the only problem here is that i didn't know who that girl is.

"its Sarada! she is the one." blushed Sreeker.
"well... then go and tell her?!!". Ram suggested."but ...she doesn't like me."Sreeker face shrunk as he said. its true; Sarada didn't like him. neither me obviously. but she is a good girl, or that is what i heard.

the next day , while she was cleaning her bike Sreeker went towards her and spoke his heart out in the most romantic way possible!

"do you know that i love romance? can we have romance?"

we had a long way to go!!

Sreeker used to say eyes are the deciding factor for a girl. he was always in praise of Sarada's eyes. unknowingly those eyes brought out a change in him. i was the silent observer here. seeing through his changes. in no time he turned from a rogue into a gentleman. the power of love was evident here. but i was afraid of this power. it can make or break a heart.

the time had come. it was the important day of Sreeker's life. the day he was going to propose to her. i made sure everything was perfect for him. the location i chose was a pool side banquet cum dance party to welcome the new year. he was to meet her on the stage setup over the pool with the glittering lights brightening up her face. at the stroke of midnight looking at those gorgeous eyes he was to say to her
" you are the 1st person am talking to this year. will you be the 1st person i see when i wake up every morning? will you marry me?"
we both remarked with a smile that it couldn't get more beautiful than this.

as per plan we arrived there. i let him take the limelight by staying away form the pool. after all its his big day. there they were dancing towards each other. the charisma they had. man!! they will make a great couple.

sometimes unexplained things happen at unexpected time. this was one such time. as Sarada and Sreeker was nearing each other the DJ called everyone beside the pool to join the stage. in a few moments may couples started for the stage. i decided to stay out as Sreeker ll be embarrassed if i am around. Suddenly strange sounds were reaching my ears.

things are destined to happen as it was to be. in a second the whole stage fell apart as the pillars supporting the stage gave away. everyone who took the stage were taken into the fifteen feet deep water. but they didn't matter to me. all i could think of was a way to find Sarada. my heart beat rose. i pushed my way through the pullings hands of the people who are experiencing the last moments of their lives.

there i saw her clenching a wooden plank fighting to stay above water. i took bigger strokes with desperation. sometimes desperation play spoil sport.

there i saw Sreeker taking bigger strokes trying to reach Sarada. but suddenly he lost momentum and slowed. something was out of place.i couldn't see a thing. my heart was beating very fast.

the desperation was so high that my heart started beating very fast. my vision was becoming dull. all i could see was a drop of tear coming out of Sarada's eyes. my eye sight blurred.

"your son Ram is well now. all his vital organs are perfectly functioning. he ll be up as a normal guy in a week or so. he seemed to have had a slight attack while swimming to save the people trapped in the pool. though its odd its not unknown off. from what you had said about him, i believe he is a reserved person keeping everything to himself. i suppose that has triggered the attack at this very young age. but he is a physically fit person. he can stay so by doing some mental exercise. "
the doctor assured.

"how long am i here?" i asked seeing the nurse. "you are here for the past 1 week Sir." replied the nurse dutifully. saying this she took a glass and poured water in to it. the strange sound of water brought back disturbing memories to me.

as i was swimming towards Sarada i remember losing control of myself. i also was able to see a guy coming towards Sarada. he wasn't able to reach her as he lost control. Eventually he nearly drowned. i remember seeing the beautiful eyes of Sarada going into the pool as i lost my control. i replayed those memories again.

This couldn't be possible!!

Slowly i recollected the happenings of the past 1 year.

"f**ker, why the hell are you sitting in my seat?"
i said that to the junior!

"Sreeker how is it going man? heard you broke up!" i spoke these words!!

"do you know that i love romance? can we have romance?" i said that to Sarada!!!

how could this be possible??!!??.

in a revelation i understood everything. but how? how is this... this theory possible?

the door opened and the nurse came in. i looked at her and asked"who am i??" even before she said my name i know who i am. am Ram according to my friend Sreeker. am Sreeker according to my lover Sarada and am Ram according to my parents.

credit: the movie fight club.