Saturday, October 30, 2010

Wish I could say it, Wish I could live with it; Love that it is

“How many girls did you fall for in Germany, Senthil?” Nisha asked.
“Oh, quite a lot. The funny thing is many are falling for me.” Senthil boasted.
“Yah yah, and India and Pakistan are a single country now.” Roopa cut in.
“You people won’t believe me. I will show you the pictures of the girls I have been with.” Saying that, Senthil open the gallery in his cellphone and showed it to the girls.
The girls were speechless needless to say, because the babes in the photographs were awesome by any yardstick.
“Like it’s a big thing to get photographed with girls.” Jeeva remarked.
“Then try taking picture with a random girl when you go abroad next week” Senthil countered.
Jeeva closed his eyes trying to reduce his temper. He leaned closer to Senthil and told, “It’s not confirmed yet. So let’s not speak about it.”
“You are going to Germany Jeeva?” Nisha prodded.
“Nothing is confirmed. I haven’t even submitted my application for visa. So … that’s all” Jeeva answered in a conclusive manner, trying to avert the topic.
“Which country?” Nisha asked again.
France; for training.” Jeeva replied in a straight face.
“How many days Jeeva?” it was now Roopa’s turn with the questions.
“2 weeks I guess. Nothing is confirmed yet. By the way Nisha, when are you leaving? You are transferred to some other city right?” Jeeva said in a fit of rage.
“What?” Nisha ask with tension.
“Nothing … forget it.” Jeeva tried to cover up his blunder.
“Tell me” she commanded.
“Are you getting transferred Nisha?” Roopa asked in between.
“No no … Jeeva what made you say like that?” Nisha said, trying to handle the situation.
“Some wrong information I guess. Leave it.” Jeeva retracted sensing the seriousness.
“Who spread such a thing?” Nisha voice arose, but within the level of dignity.
“It’s nothing. I might have misunderstood what Neha told me. Leave it” Jeeva confessed fully aware of the problem that he has to face now.

- X -
“What the hell is you problem with life? Do you want to show off that I am close to you!” a visibly angry Neha shouted over phone.
“It’s not like that. It just happened.” Jeeva replied.
“It just happened! Oh wow great… thanks a fucking lot… so that’s why she is pissed with me and not replying to my msgs after a sarcastic thanks... man u know how to screw up my life don't u? Do you have anything left??”
“No … am sorry”
“Get lost!! Don’t even speak to me ever again!” she shouted.
“Try to understand. Will I do it intentionally?”
“You just make my life a living hell!”
“But …”
“What?” Neha commanded over phone
“Please Neha. It’s an issue that can be solved. Our friendship is way above these issues.”
“It’s not about our history of friendship, Jeeva. It’s about the trust she has on me. How could you spoil the trust I have on you and in turn make me a succumb bag in front of her!”
“It has happened Neha. I can’t change it. Please move on.”
“If you can’t change it, it’s your problem. You have done enough harm for me to move on from this. But yah I need to move on; move on from our relationship.”

- X-

Okay Jeeva, get down to the core issue. Jeeva summoned himself rocking his chair.
What is you hindrance now? hmmm …. How to tell sorry.
Fine.
So how to tell sorry?
He stood up and started walking inside his 10 x 6 feet room.
How about this?
I will call and tell, “Look, am really sorry, okay? Bye”, short and simple.
Yes, short enough to not even bother what for was the sorry!
Then what do I tell a girl with whom I have a strained social relationship, when I just messed up her relationship with her best friend; who happens to be my best friend too?
He paced between the diagonal ends of the room trying to conjure a thought, an idea.
Fine, I will tell everything then.

“Hi there - am not sure if you really hate me, but I do know you are not comfortable with me ... our common friend might have confided the "alleged thing" to a wrong person like me. It doesn’t mean she has let u down ... if at all it would help, you can be happy that you have made your best friend realise what a bad person I am ... so don’t be irritated by her ... I am no one to advice ... just a stranger putting across few points.”

This is good. I think this will work. But, what if? Let’s check then.
He hurried to his seat, tapped the monitor to life and typed:

Jeeva: hi J
Sudha: hey
Jeeva: I have a doubt
Sudha: not again. Let me guess … fought with your gf?
Jeeva: :D
Sudha: you won’t learn!!
Jeeva: hello! Am learning! Do I come with the same issue again and again :P
Sudha: you and your explanations! Fine .. what did you do now?
Jeeva: well … you know we have been having some great conversations recently rite? I did something which can be termed an icing on the rotten cake. I told few things about a friend of hers to that friend itself, which she had told me earlier. It kinda rubbed her on the wrong side. Now there is some tension between them. That ripple kinda reached me now.
Sudha: why the hell, do you have to tell her that?
Jeeva: let’s not go there. I made a mistake; it can’t be changed.
Sudha: fine. So what is your doubt here?
Jeeva: I will send you a msg now; tell if it’s okay.

Hi there - am not sure if you really hate me, but I do know you are not comfortable with me ... our common friend might have confided the "alleged thing" to a wrong person like me. It doesn’t mean she has let u down ... if at all it would help, you can be happy that you have made your best friend realise what a bad person I am ... so don’t be irritated by her ... I am no one to advice ... just a stranger putting across few points.

Sudha: are you insane?
Jeeva: what happened?
Sudha: why are you lowering your self esteem? Why are you making yourself the bad person? It is a problem between them. If at all you want to ask sorry, ask to your gf.
Jeeva: but she won’t reply to me anymore.
Sudha: Just tell her through some means! Write her, msg her, call her.
Jeeva: we had a chat and it ended on a bad note. I don’t have the face to approach her again.
Sudha: hmmm … then what you can do is wait till she cools off. It is after all a girls’ fight. They will be back together in a jiffy.
Jeeva: yah I know.
Sudha: then why are you thinking of asking sorry to that girl?
Jeeva: hmmm
Sudha: think and act … don’t take any hasty decision. I need to leave now. t2yl.

Jeeva: hi J
Sanju: wassup
Jeeva: I will send you a passage now… tell what you feel about it.
Sanju: hmm … send
Jeeva: you meet a guy who you don’t like much ... in that meeting he asks suddenly if you are getting transferred in your office to another city ... you are surprised how he knows becoz its known to very few
you deny it
but later ask the guy how he got that idea

The guy tells her that he knew of it from a common friend (best friend to her)
You are bugged with that common friend and send a “thank you” msg to her.  Later don’t attend any calls from her. This guy meanwhile, realises there might be trouble because of him and tells that common friend about the incident. The guy gets superb dialogues from that common friend for trashing her life. So the guy decides to speak with you about it.

He sends a msg to you like: -  Hi there - am not sure if you really hate me, but I do know you are not comfortable with me ... our common friend might have confided the "alleged thing" to a wrong person like me. It doesn’t mean she has let u down ... if at all it would help, you can be happy that you have made your best friend realise what a bad person I am ... so don’t be irritated by her ... I am no one to advice ... just a stranger putting across few points.

Sanju: honestly I don’t see any issue here. But yah … some might feel let down. True. Let things cool down on it own. If you do something it will only spoil things further.

Jeeva: hmmm … yah. Anyways catch you later. Small work came up.

Oh my God!! Why the hell am I this desperate? Jeeva, have you gone nuts? Just great!
Who the hell is she? I hardly know her!! Why should I ask sorry to her? She means nothing to me after all. Yah that’s right. Tell her to sod off. Better, lets go out for a walk distant from all these issues.

He took to the streets casually strolling through every lane that passes by. After a half an hour walk to an eatery that is five minutes away from his home he sat down absorbing the intoxicating smell of Gobi Manchurian in the making. He feasted on his whim and when he felt relieved, went to the park for a mind-to-heart talk within him.

Let’s try this once again, shall we? Why are you doing this?

I want to settle everything before I leave.

Why so? You do have all the time in the world when you come back. Besides, that time will help them to move on.

What difference does it make? I just want to ask sorry for ruining two people’s relationship. I made a mistake and I feel guilty about it. I only want her to forgive me. I know she will patch up with Neha.

Fine; if it will relieve you and bring you back to your normal sense then go ahead.

Okay. So what do I speak to her? My last draft was bad. Hmmm

“Hi … can I have a min of urs? First of all am sorry ok? I dono the amount of trouble I had created but from what I can see, trust has taken a blow. The thing is I had forced her to explain the reason for spending a lot of time with you. That’s how I knew you were getting transferred; which I blurred out in our meeting. That was why I stopped short but you insisted on knowing everything. Sorry again.”

Let’s hope I stick to this.
He dialed Nisha’s number.

Jeeva: Hi Nisha, this is Jeeva.
Nisha: oh hi, anything important?
Jeeva: …. Yah … do you have a min. (without waiting for her to reply) First of all, like to ask sorry.
Nisha: pardon; you want me to ask sorry to you?
Jeeva: no no … am sorry.
Nisha: But why?
Jeeva: I dono about the amount of trouble I created, but I really shouldn’t have spoken about your life in public. Neha is really pissed off about it too.
Nisha: hey I didn’t take it wrongly. I was just curious how you know of it. I thought since your brother works in the same company, there might a link there.
Jeeva: oh … anyways, sorry for disturbing you. Bye

-          X –

He tried to sleep; he tried to be awake; he tried to work; he tried to relax; he tried to be calm; he tried to be serious; but nothing was making the dent in his heart to be filled. Jeeva walked through office and home; passed through the conversations with friends. He smiled occasionally, but it was all empty. He tried to cry, but could only laugh at his state of peril. All he wanted was to hear from her; it doesn’t matter if she fights with him, or makes him laugh. He wants his ears to be treated by that voice which invokes oceanic emotions inside him. As the day to leave for his trip came, he felt like a plant devoid of the eternal sunshine. Wish she could say “take care” before he boards the flight – he thought. Any sign of affection, any sign of love, heck any sign of remembrance: but nothing was found. Has he become nothing to her? Why can’t she come down a bit? He tried to pray, but that is like leaving everything to fate. He wants her to be back, not wish for her presence. If there were words spoken, he said bye to his parents, for he didn’t want to worry them unnecessarily. As he boarded the flight, he can’t but feel callous. Was he hardened by the event? His wet eyes said no.

“Sir, would you like to have something to drink?” the airhostess asked.
“Yes! please. That is all I need now!” Jeeva smirked
She placed a glass of gin and walked away with a smile.
“Oh great!”

Perturbed, Jeeva searched for his eye-band in his back pack. On finding it, he wore it in an attempt to shut off from the outside world.

“Is it hurting?”
“Yah can’t bear the pain” Jeeva confessed to Neha. Concerned she carefully laid his head on her shoulder after unbuckling him. He reached for her hands and clasped it with his, which she immediately released; only to be together again by producing it between his arm & torso. He gave a smuggish smile and rested comfortably on her shoulder. She sensed his breathing got slower. Relieved, he is at peace, she too leaned on his head. In the soothing movement of the plane, they dozed off only to be woken up by turbulence.

“How long was I sleep?”
“hmm … an hour I suppose.” She replied.
“So we finally are going on a road trip”
“Hmmm … yah” she said, as a smile broke into her face.
“Where are we now?” Jeeva asked.
“No idea, I didn’t notice any signboards for a long time.” She replied.
“Wish they could stop somewhere now. With this head ache of mine, I sure could have a cup of tea!”
“Yuck! All you tea lovers! How do you people take it?”
“At least we don’t take the unhealthy coffee”
“Excuse me! Coffee is perfectly fine for health!”
“Whatever; not in a state to argue with you”
“Hmmm … wanna take rest? Why don’t you lie down on my … lap”
Before she could complete the sentence he raised the hand rest and was flat on her lap facing her. As those deep eyes starred at her she underwent a current of waves, a feeling of passion which brightened her face. She slowly caressed his hair as his eyes drove close. Raising her leg she brought his head close to her bosom and pecked on his forehead.

“Do you want the tv running?” she asked sensing his sleepiness.
“Hmm … I don’t need it.” Drawing her hand close to his heart, he continued “I feel serene; don’t need anything else”, he said contended.
“When you smile like that you look cute, you know” she remarked.
“You do remember that am a guy right?”
“With you bend upon poking me to prove that again and again, do I have any other choice?” she said with a wink.
“In that case, switch off the tv; I need to sleep”
“Yah okay …” as she pressed the red button, “hey hey, why are you pushing me? You said you wanted to sleep!”
“Yah, with you”, he replied with a mischievous smile.

“Get lost!! Don’t even speak to me ever again!” she shouted.
“Try to understand. Will I do it intentionally?”
“You just make my life a living hell!”
“But …”
“What?” Neha commanded over phone; irritated by the issue she has in hand.

Jeeva couldn’t stand the situation. His frustrated look over both of them was increasing every second.

“It’s not about our history of friendship, Jeeva. It’s about the trust she has on me. How could you spoil the trust I have on you and in turn make me a succumb bag in front of her!”

“Bull shit. What the hell does she think of herself! Leave her! What is with you, you wuzz! Can’t stand up for you? Going on bending! Open your eyes, there is only grave left to stoop.”

“It has happened Neha. I can’t change it. Please move on.”
“If you can’t change it, it’s your problem. You have done enough harm for me to move on from this. But yah I need to move on; move on from our relationship.”

“What is wrong with you Jeeva? Sitting in a chair and pleading to her. Get up and get a life!” Jeeva blasted unable to control his temper. He turned towards her, lying on her bed in her home and continued “and you! What do I do with you! Don’t you know the meaning of forgiveness! You are speaking as if you are the only person to face hardship here. Can’t you see what he is trying to do?”  He jumped on the bed vexed by her continuous banter and called for her attention. On not getting it, “this is the throat that is speaking all this crap right?” He said in a wicked tone and grabbed her neck. “Scream now; will you! Scream! Scream!” he screamed as he tightened his hold.

“What? Ah … no”
“Jeeva?” Ram called.
Shaking off the explicit images, he conjured some words to reply; “oh … okay okay ... Yah”
“Bad dream?”
“Hmmm … yah … I hope so.”
“Straighten up, we are instructed to wear seat belt; rough weather.”
“Okay.” As he searched for the buckle he saw, what was remaining of a glass of gin. Great! Empty glass makes a loaded mind.

- X -

“Hey Neha, I forgot to tell you one thing.” Nisha declared, while they were busy watching sitcoms at Neha’s home.
“What’s it about?” Neha quizzed.
“Your friend, that Jeeva, is he mad or what?”
“Why so? What did he do?” Neha asked in a disinterested manner.
“He called up the other day and was asking sorry.”
“He did that?” Neha said starled inside. But she managed to maintained her non-committal look.
“Yah! Stupid guy. He took me very seriously the other day I guess.”
Neha who usually feels comfortable with Nisha around was feeling the itch somewhere. She was becoming self-conscious with every second.
“What did he say? When did it happen?” she asked wanting to know everything there is to know.
“Oh … the next day after I met him. Did you say anything to him?”
“Hmmm … yah … I shouted at him.”
“Poor guy. He was desperate to make me forgive him. I told him I never had a grudge and calmed him down.”
“He is highly desperate in many issues. Stupid.” Neha said with a pinch of smile appearing on her face. She was surprised she got that thinking about him.
“I think he loves you.” Nisha said looking at her with a look that said ‘girl you are trapped’.
“Yah …” Neha said without any sign of emotion.
“And you Neha?” Nisha asked with doubt.

- X -

He landed on four wheels safely. The minute he touched the foreign land, he went straight for the international calling booth.

“Why do you do this? Why can’t you be cool?”
“Sorry?”
“Yes … I am sorry.

Wish I could have stopped;
Wish I could have tolerated;
Wish I could have known;
Wish I could have understood;
Wish I could have learnt it before hand.

Wish I could say everything;
Wish I could tolerate everything;
Wish I could live with everything;
Love that I have is everything.

I can’t control my thoughts. I can’t control my actions. Heck, I can’t control my dreams! I …”

“I love you” a voice interrupted the bombardment of words calmly.
“Err ...What?”
“I love you. Now you carry on with your banter.” She said coolly. 

- X -

"Jeeva? we have landed. wake up!" Ram called anxious to step out on a foreign land.

THE END

Credits: Eternal Sunshine.

4 comments:

Vij@ソ said...

Hmm the story is really long but well written. The flow of the story is really good.
Keep writing.
:)

Ash D said...

Insanely long! I was like "where is he going with this?". But well written!! :)

aish said...

As always, I like your unique style of writing and your imagination! Try making a book or sumthing and publishing it!

Divenita said...

:) :) yeah.. lil long but good one!